How To Cope When Your Partner Has An Avoidant Attachment style
Do you ever feel like you’re chasing affection and she’s running the other way?
Do you ever feel like the BEST relationship you’ll ever have is just walking on eggshells and not pissing each other off?
Many smart, accomplished and otherwise confident men think their only relationship option is settling because they don’t know what else to do.
Or they are getting some really bad marriage counseling advice.
Some conventional counseling wisdom uses Attachment Theory to explain unhappy and dysfunctional relationships.
To simplify the theory the basic premise is this:
We show up to our relationships either emotionally SECURE or emotionally INSECURE.
Emotional security is good for your relationship. Insecurity can cause all kinds of problems.
Well meaning counselors sometimes teach their clients, because insecurity is normal, they need to just get better at being insecure.
They teach each partner how to get better at understanding the other partner’s triggers and learn to stop triggering. They teach these couples to nurture those wounds and be a better “wound lickers” (my term, not theirs). And when both people get better at being wound lickers then the relationship can get better.
I’m not saying this is inaccurate psychoanalysis. It just isn’t effective and, frankly, sounds like a hellish way to be in a relationship.
I’m saying you can do much, much better. You can actually become a healthy, secure man everywhere in your life and relationships.
This is a much more enjoyable and effective place to be in a relationship.
I shot this video on this topic and got a little carried away.
And the bad news…most people are insecure.
Two common types of insecure people are the ANXIOUS ones and the AVOIDANT ones.
Men who are the insecure-anxious type are afraid of not feeling close, connected, appreciated and respected. And their anxiety can make them needy, clingy, angry, manipulative, abusive and defensive…among other fun behaviors. (aka. hummingbird husbands)
Women who are the insecure-avoidant type are afraid of feeling smothered, controlled, overwhelmed, vulnerable and pressured. And their anxiety can make them quiet, distant, cold, critical, unapproachable and mean…insert your particular adjective here.
This often ends up in a “pursuer – distancer” dynamic in your relationship – I wrote an article for the Gottman Institute a few years back on this topic.
99% of the men in my community are in this exact situation.
This doesn’t mean they aren’t successful, powerful, influential, talented and confident men. When it comes to the rest of their life they are generally doing great.
These guys are becoming stronger, clearer, calmer and more confident men than ever by “doing the work”. They are connecting with other men on the same path. They are taking a leadership role and they are transforming their relationships.
And it’s mind-blowing how fast you will learn to lose your insecure thinking and create a whole new skin to live in!
Want to join us? I’d love to meet you.
If you’re ready to stop waiting for things to get better and to start taking action on what you can control, here are some ways we can help you start leading things today…
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- We take YOU and your struggles seriously…because we’ve been there
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- A lack of intimacy of all kinds is serious now and for the long term health of your marriage
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As Teddy Roosevelt said:
“In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing.”
Q: Why does my wife pull away when I try to get closer?
A: Because she’s not avoiding you—she’s avoiding the pressure. When your energy feels anxious, she feels smothered. She’s craving space to feel safe again. Real closeness starts when you calm down, slow down, and stop trying to control how connected you feel.
Q: What’s the difference between reacting anxiously and responding securely?
A: Anxious reactions come from fear—you’re trying to fix, prove, or earn love. A secure response comes from strength—you’re grounded, curious, and not afraid of her emotions. One creates pressure; the other builds trust. The goal isn’t to get reassurance, it’s to become it.
Q: How do I stop being a “pursuer” in my relationship?
A: Stop chasing what you already have the power to create—emotional safety. Step back, breathe, and start leading with calm confidence. The more you focus on your own stability, purpose, and happiness, the more attractive and magnetic you naturally become to her.
Q: Why do anxious men and avoidant women attract each other?
A: Because they mirror each other’s insecurity. The anxious man fears disconnection, while the avoidant woman fears being controlled. Each triggers the other’s worst fears until one person breaks the cycle by becoming emotionally secure. That’s the real start of intimacy.
Q: How can I become more emotionally secure in my marriage?
A: Learn to master your inner world. Instead of reacting to her moods, regulate your own. Practice self-trust, purpose, and self-respect daily. Emotional security isn’t a gift she gives you—it’s a muscle you build. The stronger it gets, the safer your connection becomes.
Q: Why does traditional couples therapy often make things worse?
A: Because it trains you to manage triggers instead of transforming them. It turns you into each other’s emotional babysitters instead of strong, grounded partners. Real growth happens when you stop “licking wounds” and start leading from emotional maturity and self-awareness.
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