The Common Habit That Ruins Marriages
Yesterday I sent you a newsletter about stonewalling or the silent treatment as it’s often called.
Today I want to talk about another aspect of John Gottman’s research into what makes relationships last and marriages survive…or crash and burn.
He came up with the term “The Four Horseman of the Apocalypse”. These are the FOUR BEHAVIORS that can predict divorce with about 90% accuracy.
In other words, if these things show up consistently in your relationship, you can bet things won’t be going your way in the future.
The four behaviors are:
Criticism
Defensiveness
Stonewalling
Contempt
In this video, I want to talk about defensiveness. I will break down defensiveness to show you:
What it is
What it’s not
What is looks like or sounds like
How it poisons your relationship
Plus, how to change your behavior now and start doing something different
Getting defensive and taking things ruins the trust and intimacy in your marriage because neither of you accepts the other person’s felt experience.
Defensiveness is a reaction to feeling judged and unjustly accused of something. It comes from insecurity and feeling like you’re being attacked.
Explaining and justifying, over and over again, why you feel unfairly criticized or attacked comes across as immature and childish.
Mature masculine energy is more calm and confident.
Sometimes it’s not even a verbal energy.
When you choose to tap into this energy of masculine strength and conviction in your own value as a man, you can stand tall and face the feeling of being attacked without getting upset and taking it personally.
Taking attacks, insults or criticism personally is a choice that we have as men.
Defensiveness is that inner wounded part of us that wants to make it better and stop us from feeling so bad.
Defensiveness normally ends up with us attacking the other person in order to make us feel better again.
Defensiveness always comes from insecurity.
Defensiveness erodes the SAFETY, connection and trust – that you will respond without anger or intimidation.
Defensiveness ALWAYS increases the negative, downward spiral in your relationship.
When you are defensive, she can’t trust that you are a man who is consistent in your energy and that makes you unsafe, unpredictable and just as with horses – safety is a fundamental need for women in relationships.
So if you want to stop the downward spiral, you’re going to have to stop your defensiveness.
When somebody is attacking you, criticizing you, or coming after you emotionally it’s always because of something that they are FEELING inside.
Some kind of shame, hurt, pain or fear that they’ve got going on inside them.
You have to realize that the reasons people attack you are almost never about you.
Stopping being defensive requires you to create your own confidence.
It’s very difficult to be confident and not react defensively unless you’re feeling a sense of inner peace and inner calm.
This is mature place of self-reliance.
Where you don’t need to look outside yourself to feel like you’re a good man, a powerful man, a man of value that the world appreciates and needs.
If you’re feeling low or you’re feeling inadequate or insufficient, or you’ve been feeling rejected a lot lately, you’re going to have that insecure little boy – that we all have inside us – come out and defend.
The way to stop being defensive is to start growing with other initiated men. Men who have been through this process of development and reached a calm, strong, powerful, confident place of belief in themselves. They are very clear in who they are and why they don’t need to defend themselves.
These men know that taking things personally is always a weaker act than standing strong on your own feet and your own terms.
This is what we help men do at Goodguys2Greatmen.
Want to stop being defensive and taking things personally? Here are some ways for you to get started straight away:
Free: If you’re serious about building your masculine mojo then apply for a coaching call with us we will help you identify what to focus on and what to avoid to get you feeling confident again.
What do I mean by “SERIOUS”?
- We take YOU and your struggles seriously…because we’ve been there
- We know living in a sexless marriage is serious…and so is showing your kids what a healthy affectionate relationship looks like
- A lack of intimacy of all kinds is serious now and for the long term health of your marriage
- We believe your personal emotional strength and well-being is serious
- We seriously show up 110% to our conversations with you and expect you to be as serious as we are about changing your life
Free Guide: Where You Should Focus To Grow Your Masculinity
$69 Monthly Subscription: Join Dan and I in our Men’s Roundtable Group Coaching membership. We meet three times per month for live group coaching and we support you in a powerful group of men facing the same issues you are. Get instant access to 5 years of recorded sessions. Try it for one month. What have you got to lose?
$397 One-Time Payment: How to Defuse the Divorce Bomb is a self-paced course with me, Tim Wade, and a community of men learning how to lead when you’ve just heard, “I love you but I’m not in love with you” or “I want to separate or divorce.”
As Teddy Roosevelt said:
“In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing.”
Q: Why do I get defensive every time my wife criticizes me?
A: Defensiveness comes from insecurity—the part of you that feels attacked or judged. When you take things personally, you lose your grounding. Mature masculine energy stays calm, confident, and unshaken. The moment you stop needing to “fix” her feelings, you become safe again in her eyes.
Q: How can I stop being defensive in arguments with my wife?
A: Pause before reacting. Breathe. Realize her criticism is almost never about you—it’s about what she feels inside. Respond with curiosity, not justification. When you stand tall in your own value, you no longer need to defend yourself. That’s what creates emotional safety and trust.
Q: Why does defensiveness destroy intimacy and connection?
A: Because it makes you unpredictable and unsafe. Every time you defend, you prove that you can’t handle her emotions. Trust and intimacy only grow when you stay calm under pressure. Women open up when they feel emotionally secure—not when they’re walking on eggshells around your reactions.
Q: What’s the difference between explaining myself and being defensive?
A: Explanation seeks to connect. Defensiveness seeks to protect. When your tone, body, or words come from fear or frustration, it’s defensive. When you’re grounded, calm, and genuinely trying to understand her experience, it’s connection. The difference isn’t in your words—it’s in your energy.
Q: How do I build the confidence to stop taking things personally?
A: Confidence comes from knowing who you are without needing approval. That’s what we teach at Goodguys2Greatmen. By growing alongside other men and rewiring your emotional patterns, you learn to stay calm, powerful, and self-assured. From that place, defensiveness simply disappears.
Q: What’s the first step to break my defensive habits for good?
A: Start by admitting it’s costing you connection. Then take action—don’t just think about changing. Join a men’s coaching call or Roundtable. Learn from men who’ve done the work. Once you feel grounded in your own value, her criticism will no longer knock you off balance.
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Have questions about your relationship?
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