Why is My Wife so Cold and Distant?
I’ll just say it and get it over with.
Women can be a lot like horses.
It sounds innocent enough but I’ve gotten a lot of crap over comparing women to animals. It’s a metaphor, for Pete’s sake. (actually it’s a simile for you grammar freaks)
A woman once told me, “You guys are like dogs. A kind word, a good meal and rub on the belly every now and then and you’re good to go. Simple bastards!”
Hell yes, sister! Now you’ve got it. Most of us can go without food or water for week with just one “You’re such a good boy!” show of appreciation.
So, I don’t apologize for using horses to make my point about women
What’s my point?
In general, women spend MUCH more of their day evaluating risks, looking over their shoulder and avoiding anything that could put them in physical danger or emotional discomfort.
Just like horses.
Horses are prey animals…dogs are predators.
In general, when it comes to the heterosexual romantic, intimate and sexual dance women are more concerned about safety… men are more concerned with conquest.
This is one of the most important insights every horse trainer is taught right up front. And if they don’t understand this or just aren’t interested in this fact, they will face nothing but frustration their entire life trying to get along with horses.
Most of them will quit…and the rest end up beating up horses for a living trying to “break them”.
Other articles you may find helpful:
How To Have A Life That Inspires And Motivates YouWhat Is Being A Strong Man?
This video explains more graphically what I want you to know about how women think and feel sometimes.
Now. Back to you.
I probably don’t need to type much more because I know you’re a smart guy and you’ve already figured out where I’m going with this.
You are most likely in a committed, monogamous, intimate and sexual relationship with one woman. Let’s just focus on that.
Her daily sense of safety, security and emotional well-being is challenged from many angles. Her childhood, her parents, her friends, Cosmo and Facebook are all badgering her.
Even her past experiences with other men and your last few years together give her enough DATA to tell her she’s not safe, she’s not loved and she’s not good enough.
Have you ever felt like that? I bet you have and that’s called empathy. You don’t have to be her in order to understand how that feels.
The Big Problem
The big problem is that it’s IMPOSSIBLE to have true compassion if we are suffering from the same affliction.
If you are feeling unsafe, unloved and not enough of a man…you’re pretty much screwed in giving her what she needs.
Some therapists think this requires both people to jointly learn about each other’s insecurities and wounds so they can help nurture each other back to safety, connection and intimacy.
The big problem is this almost never happens simultaneously.
And in a stale, troubled marriage that’s locked up in limbo land, there’s only one thing that can help.
ONE of you needs to find your way back to your natural state.
Brother, your natural state is well-being.
Your default state is calm, confident, clear-headed, self-respecting and safe.
It’s a silly smirk you feel inside yourself that says you’re okay. And because you’re okay, you can generously empathize with others without feeling threatened or intimidated.
Sadly, nearly every man I talk to in the beginning is suffering from feelings of fear, threat and intimidation in his relationship.
And as you know, I don’t let him spend much time blaming someone else. He created that monster.
He “thought” his way into this mess and he can think his way back out of it and into a brand new reality.
I’m hoping this is the year you decide to create your new reality.
Here are some ways I can help you start creating a whole new reality for yourself:
The very FASTEST way to change the way you’re thinking and find your confidence again is to join other men doing the same thing.
Here are some options for you to join us and start creating a whole new reality for yourself:
The Men’s Live Coaching Roundtable is a powerful collection of men from around the world working together to transform themselves and their relationships. Dan Dore and I lead this community with 5 other professional coaches. We have live coaching video calls twice per month. The camaraderie in this group is something missing from the lives of too many men in the world.
Our online course How to Defuse the Divorce Bomb is a deep and intense dive into handling yourself when you hear, “I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore.” Tim Wade and I host monthly live Q&A calls with all the students in this course which includes many other bonuses as well. Find out more here.
We love teaching men these tools – how to be better, how to know who you are, what you stand for, what you want and how to CREATE it in your life through our Masculine Confidence coaching programs.
If you want to become a man who knows and trusts himself to create the life and love he wants, apply for a free 90 minute consultation call I guarantee you’ll feel a whole lot better by the end of our talk.
Q: Why does my wife seem so sensitive, anxious, or easily triggered compared to me?
A: Because she’s living life like a prey animal — scanning for risk, danger, and emotional discomfort all day long. Women think about safety the way horses do. Meanwhile, men operate like predators—focused on pursuit, not danger. Understanding this difference instantly makes you more compassionate and less reactive.
Q: Why can’t my wife relax around me even when I’m trying to be loving?
A: Because emotional safety isn’t created by words — it’s created by your nervous system. If you feel unsafe, unloved, or not good enough, she senses it instantly. When you return to your natural masculine state — calm, confident, clear-headed — she finally feels safe enough to soften toward you.
Q: How do I show empathy when I’m struggling with my own insecurities?
A: You can’t. You can’t give what you don’t have. If you feel unsafe, unworthy, or not enough, you’ll react instead of empathize. Regaining your emotional well-being is step one. When you feel grounded and okay, empathy becomes natural — not forced.
Q: Why do I react so strongly when she criticizes, withdraws, or seems distant?
A: Because you’re suffering from the same “unsafe, unloved, not-enough” thoughts she is. You’re reacting from fear, not leadership. But you created that inner monster — and you can un-create it. Change the way you think, and your reactions change instantly. That’s how a man takes back emotional control.
Q: How do I help my wife feel safe and connected again?
A: By becoming safe yourself. When you’re calm, confident, self-respecting, and grounded, she feels it in her nervous system. Your emotional leadership creates the environment she relaxes into. One grounded man can shift a whole relationship — it doesn’t require both people doing the work at the same time.
Q: What’s the fastest way to get back to my natural confident masculine state?
A: Surround yourself with men who are doing the same work. Nothing accelerates clarity and confidence faster than being in a brotherhood of grounded men. The Men’s Live Coaching Roundtable exists exactly for this reason — to help you reset your mindset, reclaim your power, and rebuild emotional safety from the inside out.
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