Why Does My Wife Struggle to Give Affection?
Simple analogies are sometimes the most powerful way to get a point across.
Sometimes a guy will hear something for the 100th time but THIS time it’s said slightly differently and suddenly he gets it. A switch is flipped that can not be un-flipped for him.
He can’t un-see what he now sees as pure truth.
And at this moment he feels empowered to change his thinking…which changes everything he’s been feeling.
I used to have a wonderful dog named Kody. He lived to be almost 17 years old which is OLD for a Golden Retriever. And for 17 years, Kody had primarily ONE THING on his mind. It was his pacifier of happiness. His lifeboat of inner peace.
It was…tennis balls.
“When I’ve got a tennis ball in my mouth the world just stops…nothing else matters…and everything in my life is good.” ~ Kody
In fact, Kody would get a fresh container of tennis balls every Christmas. I would wrap it and put it under the tree.
Kody knew it. It was almost like the “new tennis ball smell” molecules escaped from the can. It took just one molecule to put him into a catatonic trance until Christmas morning.
It was cute, but annoying. You couldn’t reason with him. And when I finally told him he could open it he just ravished the can. He didn’t need me to open it. He just ripped it open until he reached the only thing that would make his world right again.
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You would think that would be the end…but no.
The problem was that Kody thought inner peace could only be achieved if he could fit ALL the balls in his mouth at once.
And even when he succeeded he still wanted more. There was no satisfying his need to fill up on the ONE OBJECT of his desire. Anxiety was STILL gripping him until he just wore himself out and fell asleep.
The moral of the story?
You can never get enough of what you don’t really need to feel happy, calm and confident.
What are the “tennis balls” in your life?
What ONE object, person, idea, goal, fantasy or story do you have that rules your mind and your sense of well-being?
How did it get that power over you?
What else is your life have you sacrificed in order to give focus to that one thing?
And what might happen if you could just “flip the switch”?
Spit out the balls, shake your head and say, “What if I don’t NEED those balls to be happy?”
When we’re coaching men on the journey from “good guy” to “great man” we often find out he’s got an intense “tennis ball fixation”.
This keeps him in “good guy” mode because he will do or say anything in order to get the ONE THING he thinks will make him feel okay. Goodguys have a bad habit of trying to get things from other people in order to feel good about themselves. They are sublte in the way they negotiate, manipulate and control others to get their needs met.
Breaking this habit requires a “I coulda had a V8!” moment. It’s that moment of clarity when he thumps his forehead with the palm of his hand and he gets a little flushed in the face.
The embarrassment and guilt “goodguys” feel when this switch flips are actually GOOD. Guilt can be an extremely productive force to help men choose a new perspective.
He sees clearly that the tennis balls were NEVER going to help him.
He needs to be happy no matter what – with or without tennis balls.
And when he begins to internalize the truth – that his entire foundation of happy, calm confidence is created in his own mind – the great man emerges.
Some men reading this will get it right off the bat ;) but others need help to have a serious shift in their thinking which will change their future drastically.
This is why we’ve created many ways for you to get involved in our community of amazing men.
The Men’s Live Coaching Roundtable is a powerful collection of men from around the world working together to transform themselves and their relationships. Dan Dore and I lead this community with 5 other professional coaches. We have live coaching video calls twice per month. The camaraderie in this group is something missing from the lives of too many men in the world.
Our online course How to Defuse the Divorce Bomb is a deep and intense dive into handling yourself when you hear, “I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore.” Tim Wade and I host monthly live Q&A calls with all the students in this course which includes many other bonuses as well. Find out more here.
The MEXICO MOJO MASTERY retreat for March 2020 is now 90% full! This is an advanced retreat for men who have had one-on-one coaching or have attended other retreats.and we can’t wait to meet up again in Punta Mita at the Hacienda Alegra. Click that link for some mind-blowing pics.
We still have 3 spots left for the Unapologetic Masculine Confidence Retreat in the UK, April 24-27th. If you want to feel more confident, more deliberate, less edited, more open-hearted and easy going then join Dan and I for an intense shot to your system that will bring back your belief in yourself.
We love teaching men these tools – how to be better, how to know who you are, what you stand for, what you want and how to CREATE it in your life through our Masculine Confidence coaching programs.
What if this next year everything changed for you?
That’s what we want for you brother.
My new book Straight Talk Tools for the Desperate Husband will help you to lead yourself and your relationship back to good health. Understand why your partner acts the way she does toward you and learn how to lead your life in the direction you want it to go. You CAN have the relationship you want, fulfilling all your desires while maintaining love and respect.
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Q: Why do I obsess over one thing—my wife, sex, validation, or approval—to feel okay?
A: That’s your “tennis ball fixation.” Like Kody with his tennis balls, you’ve convinced yourself that one person or outcome controls your inner peace. But you can never get enough of what you don’t actually need. Calm confidence comes from inside you, not from chasing one external source.
Q: How do I break my unhealthy attachment to the one thing I think will make me happy?
A: You flip the switch. You question the story. You spit out the “tennis balls” that keep you anxious and chasing. When you realize your well-being isn’t dependent on her mood, her desire, or any external reward, you reclaim emotional independence—and that’s when real confidence emerges.
Q: Why do ‘good guys’ struggle so much with this tennis ball fixation?
A: Because good guys rely on subtle negotiation, approval-seeking, and people-pleasing to regulate their emotions. They chase something outside themselves to feel worthy. That habit keeps them anxious and reactive. Great men learn to generate their own peace, power, and emotional stability.
Q: What do I do when I realize my whole sense of well-being is tied to one person or outcome?
A: Celebrate the “I coulda had a V8!” moment. That embarrassment and guilt are productive—they’re the sign you’re waking up. From there, the work is learning to be happy, calm, and confident with or without the thing you were chasing. That’s masculinity. That’s freedom.
Q: How do I find real confidence if the thing I’ve been chasing can’t give it to me?
A: You redefine where confidence comes from. It isn’t in tennis balls—sex, attention, validation, reassurance. Confidence is created in your own mind. When you stop outsourcing it, you stop living in anxiety. That’s the moment the “great man” in you starts to emerge.
Q: What’s the first step in overcoming my ‘one thing’ addiction and becoming a stronger man?
A: Name the tennis ball. See how it’s ruled your mood, behavior, and relationships. Then commit to building inner peace without it. Join men who are doing the same work. This shift is hard alone, but with brotherhood, clarity, and coaching, that switch stays flipped—for good.
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