What To Do When Your Wife Is Giving You Mixed Messages
We regularly run live coaching sessions with guys like you to gather men together, answer questions and give each other some brotherly support.
Sometimes I ask that guys send questions in advance so we can have some topics ready to address. A big topic recently was about “Limbo Land“.
It’s that time in a man’s marriage where he feels shaky, nervous and totally uncertain about where the relationship is going or if it will even survive.
He feels in “limbo”…permanently.
The question was, “Can you give more more insight into what limbo land is, why it happens and what I can do about it?”
I decided to make this week’s video about that question because it seems to be a popular one.
I came up with 5 key signs that you are probably in Limbo Land. If only one is true, you may just be entering it. If all 5 are true…no doubt you’re in it up to your neck.
In the video I go into detail about:
1. The “I just don’t know!” phase where every answer to any yes/no question is “I just don’t know!”
2. The “I need you to give me time/space” or the “We’ll just have to see” phase.
3. The “refusal to talk about feelings or your relationship” phase.
4. The “fiercely independent” phase
5. The “mixed messages” phase where she still talks about upcoming holidays and vacations and even slips in a few “I love you…but…” comments.
Here’s the cold hard truth about Limbo Land.
You think it’s a place of chronic indecision and uncertainty seemingly created 100% by her. And you feel like you’re the powerless victim.
The truth is that the feelings of being stuck in limbo are created inside your own head.
It’s your belief that your sense of hope, well-being, happiness and long-term vitality is squarely in her hands.
But what if it’s not? What if you had the power to think of this differently?
What if you created your own sense of certainty – independently from the outcome of this phase of your marriage?
And what would that even look like?
Of course you could just hand her divorce papers and be done with it. That’s one kind of certainty some men create. But I want to suggest another to start with.
Brother, you’ve got about 30-40 years ahead of you to live a happy, connected, joyful, meaningful and loving life…surrounded by friends and family who love being with you.
Do you believe that life is crushed just because your wife is going a little nutty right now?
Do you believe you can’t make any decision and do anything that serves you now until she gives you a sign that you’re okay?
Hint: You don’t need anyone’s permission to start living the life you want.
What if right now…at this instant…you simply decided, “Hey, I’m going to live a happy, connected, joyful, meaningful and loving life…surrounded by friends and family who love being with me.”
That, my brother, is your secret key out of limbo land.
Yes, you must be outcome independent and detached from the result.
Yes, you must let go of you need to control and your need to know everything.
Yes, I know that sounds impossible to you right now. But I promise you this.
It’s the quickest way to regain your self-respect and a modicum of mojo.
You’ll start sleeping better and laughing more. You’ll connect better with your kids and your friends and family. You’ll be more effective at work.
Your wife may or may not notice. And who cares. That’s not the point. (she’ll notice, though)
But now you’re being the man YOU want to be and the one she just might be willing to talk to again.
Suddenly the “cold hard truth” doesn’t seem so bad, does it?
Free: If you’re serious about building your masculine mojo then apply for a coaching call with us we will help you identify what to focus on and what to avoid to get you feeling confident again.
What do I mean by “SERIOUS”?
- We take YOU and your struggles seriously…because we’ve been there
- We know living in a sexless marriage is serious…and so is showing your kids what a healthy affectionate relationship looks like
- A lack of intimacy of all kinds is serious now and for the long term health of your marriage
- We believe your personal emotional strength and well-being is serious
- We seriously show up 110% to our conversations with you and expect you to be as serious as we are about changing your life
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As Teddy Roosevelt said:
“In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing.”
Q: What does it mean to be in “limbo land” in a marriage?
A: Limbo land is that uneasy middle ground where your wife feels distant, uncertain, or “needs space,” and you feel powerless. It’s emotional purgatory—no clarity, no closure. The truth? You’re not stuck because of her indecision. You’re stuck because you’ve forgotten your own.
Q: Why does limbo happen in relationships?
A: Limbo begins when one partner withdraws and the other clings harder. Her uncertainty triggers your anxiety, which makes her pull away more. It’s a cycle of insecurity feeding insecurity. The way out isn’t to chase her—it’s to steady yourself and lead with calm confidence.
Q: How long does “marriage limbo” usually last?
A: It lasts as long as you keep waiting for her to decide who you get to be. The moment you reclaim your purpose, your boundaries, and your joy, you step out of limbo—whether the marriage recovers or not. Your peace doesn’t depend on her clarity.
Q: What should I do when my wife says she needs space?
A: Respect it—but use that space to focus on yourself, not her. Stop trying to decode every word. Detach from the outcome. Start living the kind of life that inspires connection rather than demands it. Space isn’t punishment—it’s an opportunity to grow your own gravity again.
Q: How can I stay confident when I don’t know if my marriage will survive?
A: Shift your focus from fear to freedom. Uncertainty only hurts when your identity depends on her decisions. You can be calm, present, and proud of who you’re being—no matter what happens next. That’s real masculine leadership.
Q: What’s the first step out of relationship limbo?
A: Decide that your happiness is no longer on hold. Make a personal declaration: “I’m going to live a joyful, connected, meaningful life—starting now.” When you stop waiting for permission to be okay, you stop being trapped in limbo. That’s when everything changes.
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