What I Had To Learn Before I Could Create A More Passionate Marriage
Do you ever worry that you could be “let go” from your job as husband at any moment?
What would you do if that happened? What would you THINK?
Do you sometimes have an “employee” mindset in your relationship?
This is the main source of discomfort and insecurity for way too many men.
If you look at the “position” of husband from the mindset of an employee you will adopt the bad behaviors of a man who feels like a second class citizen in his own home.
And THAT will destroy a marriage faster than anything else I can think of.
Let me give you an example of two men. Bill and Bob are electricians working in the same company.
Bill views himself as an employee – a man who is a common commodity. He feels like a man with very limited options
These are the daily thoughts in Bill’s mind:
My work will only be as good as how I feel I’m being treated…and no better.
I’ll try only as hard as I feel my employer is trying.
I feel insecure about my employment because I fear what my boss thinks about me.
I get angry and unhappy every time I think they disrespect me or criticize me or my work.
I hate Mondays. I LOVE Fridays. And I live for payday!
On the other hand, Bob views himself as an entrepreneur – a man of unequaled value. He feels like a man with many options.
These are the daily thoughts in Bob’s mind:
I will be the best electrician I can be.
I make my growth and security a priority by becoming more valuable every day…no matter what my employer is doing.
I’m secure in my value and employability because I know my value and I don’t worry about what others think about me. I can work anywhere.
I’m a happy electrician because I choose to be…regardless of the opinion or actions of others.
I’m grateful every day I wake up. Payday is something that results from me staying in my lane and being the best electrician possible.
Watch this video for a deeper look into this mindset and how it applies to you as a husband. Translation: “Payday = Sex” in this video.
Bottom line: You have the choice of two frames of mind to live in.
1. The frame YOU create for yourself from your values, terms and boundaries.
2. Someone else’s frame.
If you are not operating in your chosen frame or don’t know what that frame is you will, by default, be operating in someone else’s frame.
I want to invite you to FIND YOUR OWN VALUES, TERMS AND BOUNDARIES with me.
It will be one of the most important and most defining moments in your life. This is the way one man in the community put it recently. Read it with his Scottish accent for fun.
“I have felt like a weight has been released off my shoulders….not lifted just released. It’s amazing really… gone are the stomach cramps, the anxiety feelings, hardly sleeping the anger and resentment towards my wife is reducing because of [this work]. I know there is plenty of work to do and I am up for the challenge. Even confidence at work has returned this past few days.”
Dan and I want to be your accountability partners in keeping your entrepreneur mindset focused on abundance so that you can lead your relationship again from a place of strength & self confidence.
And we’d like to introduce you to a whole load more wise and passionate men working on the same stuff with us…
Free: If you’re serious about building your masculine mojo then apply for a coaching call with us we will help you identify what to focus on and what to avoid to get you feeling confident again.
What do I mean by “SERIOUS”?
- We take YOU and your struggles seriously…because we’ve been there
- We know living in a sexless marriage is serious…and so is showing your kids what a healthy affectionate relationship looks like
- A lack of intimacy of all kinds is serious now and for the long term health of your marriage
- We believe your personal emotional strength and well-being is serious
- We seriously show up 110% to our conversations with you and expect you to be as serious as we are about changing your life
Free Guide: Where You Should Focus To Grow Your Masculinity
$69 Monthly Subscription: Join Dan and I in our Men’s Roundtable Group Coaching membership. We meet three times per month for live group coaching and we support you in a powerful group of men facing the same issues you are. Get instant access to 5 years of recorded sessions. Try it for one month. What have you got to lose?
$397 One-Time Payment: How to Defuse the Divorce Bomb is a self-paced course with me, Tim Wade, and a community of men learning how to lead when you’ve just heard, “I love you but I’m not in love with you” or “I want to separate or divorce.”
As Teddy Roosevelt said:
“In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing.”
Q: Why do I feel like my wife could “fire” me from the marriage at any time?
A: Because you’re living with an employee mindset — waiting for approval, fearing criticism, and measuring your worth by her reactions. Real masculine confidence comes when you start leading your life like an entrepreneur: self-directed, secure, and motivated by values, not fear.
Q: What’s the “employee mindset” in relationships and why is it toxic?
A: It’s when you act like your wife is your boss. You perform for validation, withdraw when criticized, and live on emotional “paydays.” That insecurity kills attraction. When you shift to ownership — knowing your worth regardless of her mood — respect and intimacy return naturally.
Q: How can I shift from seeking approval to leading with confidence in my marriage?
A: Define your values, terms, and boundaries. Stop waiting for permission to feel good. Confidence isn’t granted — it’s built through clarity and action. When you live from your own internal frame, you stop reacting and start creating connection from strength, not fear.
Q: Why does my wife seem to lose attraction when I try harder to please her?
A: Because trying too hard signals insecurity. You’re seeking safety instead of showing leadership. Women don’t want compliance; they crave calm, grounded confidence. When you stop “working for” her approval and start living in alignment with your purpose, attraction rebuilds itself.
Q: What does it mean to have an ‘entrepreneur mindset’ in marriage?
A: It means owning your role as the creator of your reality. You invest in growth, take responsibility for your emotional balance, and stop depending on her reactions for your sense of worth. Freedom, respect, and intimacy come from this mindset shift.
Q: How do I rebuild my masculine confidence after years of walking on eggshells?
A: Start by reclaiming your frame — the mental and emotional ground you stand on. Learn who you are and what you stand for. The moment you stop outsourcing your happiness, you become the kind of man who naturally leads love, trust, and attraction back into the relationship.
Author 
Have questions about your relationship?
Apply for a free, no strings, 90 minute deep dive personalized coaching session to help you identify what to focus on and what to avoid to get you moving toward the future you want. We offer a unique form of Men’s Coaching and we attract smart guys who see through surface level hype and bravado. We hide nothing and hold nothing back. We know that everything you want is behind your fear and skepticism…just like it was for us.
