Wanting Her Vs Needing Her (& Why It’s Important To Know The Difference)
What is the difference between wanting her vs needing her and why is it important to know the difference? Should you state your needs? What if you always receive a negative response when you do?
My sweetheart was telling me about a friend of hers who recently broke up with her long-time partner.
The bottom line reason was around the question about feeling “needed” vs. feeling “wanted”.
Which one would you rather feel from your partner?
Personally, I like being “needed”, but only in the sense of being appreciated for my unique masculine qualities. For example, I love it when she “needs” a big, strong hug. I’m happy when she “needs” me to check out a bump in the night or a squeaky wheel on her truck. And, of course, I love being “needed” in the bedroom.
But I don’t need to be needed. And, I don’t want to feel a desperate, insecure, neediness from any woman or man in my life.
In both romance and friendship, I want the foundation to be one of desire…or “wanting” to be together. This “wanting” is a secure and unapologetic attraction to each other and thoroughly enjoying being together. This “interdependence” is a healthy form of relationship based on mutual desire, respect and trust. Both people are emotionally secure.
Some people are so invested in being “independent” that they live in fear of connection, fear of vulnerability and fear of intimacy. They’re no fun to around. They are most self-absorbed and detached, although, some of them make good drinkin’ buddies!
And some people are so “co-dependent” that they are joined at the hip with no separate interests…no other friendships…and no other mission in life. It’s the “I don’t know where I end and you begin!” relationship. This is the energy of “neediness” I talked about above.
Co-dependent relationships normally click along just fine since both people are getting their insecure needs met. These relationships are also marked with bouts of arguing, begging, pleading and blaming as each partner struggles to get the other one to meet their “needs”.
In the video below I discuss what I believe makes a “healthy” relationship without being an independent asshole or a needy, desperate man.
How to Become a Confident, Independent Man Without Being a Selfish Asshole
Everything above in this article was meant to tell you WHAT the problem is and WHY it’s important for a healthy relationship.
If I had time to write a book, I’d explain the HOW. (wait a minute, I do have a book)
The only way to learn HOW to be a confident, independent man without being a selfish asshole is from other men who have climbed that mountain before you. Your wife can NOT teach you this!
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As Teddy Roosevelt said:
“In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing.”
Q: What’s the difference between wanting her and needing her—and why does it matter?
A: Needing her comes from insecurity—it’s the fear that without her affection, attention, or approval, you’ll lose your sense of worth. It’s an anxious, grasping energy that suffocates connection. Wanting her, on the other hand, comes from strength. It’s a confident, grounded desire that says, “I choose you because I love being with you—not because I’d fall apart without you.” Women can feel the difference instantly. One energy repels; the other invites trust, attraction, and ease.
Q: Should I tell her what I need in the relationship?
A: Absolutely—but how you express it makes all the difference. Stating your needs isn’t weakness; it’s leadership when done calmly and clearly. Speak from grounded self-respect, not desperation. “I’d love more physical connection between us,” carries strength. “Why don’t you ever touch me anymore?” carries fear. When your tone comes from emotional security rather than pressure, she’s far more likely to respond openly.
Q: What if she reacts negatively every time I share my needs?
A: That’s your cue to stop convincing and start leading. A defensive response usually means she doesn’t feel emotionally safe—or she senses pressure. Instead of repeating the same plea, shift focus back to who you’re being. Work on embodying calm confidence, lightness, and presence. When you change your energy from needy to self-assured, her reactions begin to shift on their own. Remember: connection grows in the space you create, not in the arguments you repeat.
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