The Only Two Things That Can Change A Sucky Marriage
This quotation has been following me around for years. It haunts me every now and then with its stark truth and implied personal challenge.
Only two things change your life: either something new comes into your life, or something new comes out of you.
~ Brendan Burchard
The part that gets me is the implied threat that if I don’t figure out something new to come out me then I’ll just be sitting around waiting for stuff to happen to me.
I will remain a victim of my circumstances and a puppet for the priorities of others.
I don’t know about you but that makes me feel really agitated.
I spent much of the first half of my life reacting to surprises coming my way. I would gladly accept the good things that fell into my lap and begrudgingly tolerate the bad things I didn’t like.
When it comes to the quality of our romantic relationships we often make the same mistakes.
We treat good days as pleasant surprises.
And we treat bad days as unpleasant inevitabilities.
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When we operate this way we feel a total lack of influence over our relationship experience. Our feelings of connection, intimacy and confidence are fleeting and unpredictable.
And THAT is what keeps a man on edge. Grouchy. Irritated.
He feels alone and powerless because he is waiting for something new to come into his relationship while nothing new is coming out of him.
“Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be” ~ Abraham Lincoln
Abe Lincoln’s quote speaks to the common problem with the pursuit of happiness.
It’s not a “pursuit” after all. It’s a DECISION.
And most people’s unhappiness in life and in their relationships comes from bad habits and bad choices.
In other words, I believe happiness in life and relationships is a LIFESTYLE.
And with consistency in our lifestyle of habits and choices come the results.
Unhappiness is caused by the mistake of getting the order wrong.
If we’re looking for connection, intimacy and confidence to come from somewhere OUTSIDE of us, unhappiness is the very predictable and consistent result.
I talk more about this cold, hard truth in this video.
Is it Really That Simple?
In theory, yes.
In practice, no.
Why?
Because every man is capable of an INTELLECTUAL understanding of everything I just said.
But, the real work and the real journey require you to adopt a deep emotional and spiritual connection to this truth.
And when a man does THAT…and he makes the commitment to consistently developing better habits and better choices he sees results very quickly.
The hard part comes in 3 key areas.
1. You must declare and own your new habits and choices with clarity and without apology.
2. You must be accountable and consistent.
3. You must have other initiated men to support and encourage you every day.
I’ve found it’s virtually impossible to succeed at those 3 things on your own. You will get fuzzy headed, wishy-washy, inconsistent and unfocused. Then you’ll slide back into the bad habits and choices that created your current reality.
Well, that’s what happened to me anyway. I’m fairly confident it happens to all men.
This is why we’ve created many options for you to succeed.
And after many years and hundreds of men I can promise you one thing.
This shit works.
The Men’s Live Coaching Roundtable is a powerful collection of men from around the world working together to transform themselves and their relationships. Dan Dore and I lead this community with 5 other professional coaches. We have live coaching video calls twice per month. The camaraderie in this group is something missing from the lives of too many men in the world.
Our online course How to Defuse the Divorce Bomb is a deep and intense dive into handling yourself when you hear, “I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore.” Tim Wade and I host monthly live Q&A calls with all the students in this course which includes many other bonuses as well. Find out more here.
We love teaching men these tools – how to be better, how to know who you are, what you stand for, what you want and how to CREATE it in your life through our Masculine Confidence coaching programs.
What if this next year everything changed for you?
That’s what we want for you brother.
My new book Straight Talk Tools for the Desperate Husband will help you to lead yourself and your relationship back to good health. Understand why your partner acts the way she does toward you and learn how to lead your life in the direction you want it to go. You CAN have the relationship you want, fulfilling all your desires while maintaining love and respect.
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Q: Why do I feel powerless in my relationship, like I’m always waiting for something to change?
A: Because you’re hoping something new will come into your life instead of creating something new from within. When you wait for surprises — good days, good moods, good moments — you stay a victim of circumstances. Influence comes from new choices, new habits, and a new mindset.
Q: How do I stop living on edge, irritated, and feeling like I have no control over connection or intimacy?
A: You take responsibility for the emotional tone you bring. When nothing new comes out of you — no new thinking, no new choices, no new habits — your relationship feels unpredictable. Confidence returns when you stop reacting to bad days and start intentionally shaping your emotional lifestyle.
Q: Why is happiness in my marriage so hard when I ‘understand’ what I’m supposed to do?
A: Because intellectual understanding isn’t enough. Real change requires emotional and spiritual commitment. You must embody new habits, not just think about them. That consistency — supported by other strong men — is what turns theory into an actual lifestyle of connection and confidence.
Q: What do I do when I keep sliding back into old habits, resentment, and inconsistency?
A: You stop going it alone. Every man loses focus in isolation. Accountability and support from other initiated men keep your mind clear, your habits steady, and your choices aligned. Without that brotherhood, it’s almost guaranteed you’ll drift back to the patterns that created your current reality.
Q: How do I create real change in my relationship when I feel stuck or hopeless?
A: Start with the only part you control: your habits, your thinking, and your daily decisions. Declare what you want without apology. Stay accountable. Stay consistent. When something new comes out of you — strength, clarity, purpose — the relationship responds in ways you never expected.
Q: Why does it feel so hard to build better habits even when I want to be a stronger, more confident man?
A: Because the hardest part isn’t knowing what to do — it’s staying emotionally grounded long enough to keep doing it. That’s why community matters. With consistent encouragement, clear direction, and a tribe of men walking the same path, self-respect grows and transformation becomes inevitable.
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Apply for a free, no strings, 90 minute deep dive personalized coaching session to help you identify what to focus on and what to avoid to get you moving toward the future you want. We offer a unique form of Men’s Coaching and we attract smart guys who see through surface level hype and bravado. We hide nothing and hold nothing back. We know that everything you want is behind your fear and skepticism…just like it was for us.
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When There’s No Affection in Your Marriage Anymore
How To Be A Confident Man Even When You’re Being Called A Narcissist
Should You Stay Or Leave Your Marriage?
