So, What’s With the Horse Thing??
When a client and I are working on understanding the perspective of a woman, I use many analogies – any analogy – that clicks with him. One of my favorites and one of the most effective analogies is with “talking” to horses. Horse training or “whispering” is a long time fascination and hobby of mine that has numerous helpful insights into the language of women.
By language I am referring to the whole body of communication including verbal, non-verbal, and physical communication. This communication also includes intuition and perception. Horses and women share an exquisite and nearly supernatural ability to sense the intentions of others. Both can send and receive signals that are imperceptible to a common man. And both expect us to “get them” regardless of our limitations. A man must embrace this reality and choose to learn to operate in harmony with it.
Stated simply, to be successful with horses you have to learn a whole new language. You have to learn a whole new perspective on what a horse NEEDS. You have to learn that you will eventually FAIL with training horses if you don’t understand and act upon ONE TRUTH. That is:
A person who chooses NOT to deeply understand their language and their needs will eventually lose them. This applies to both horses AND women.
The person will lose their:
- Emotional connection
- Trust
- Respect
- Cooperation
- Willingness to try anything
A husband who refuses to learn and understand this will continually make mistakes that drive her crazy and he will never know why. In many relationships the unfortunate result is that she will decide to get her needs met somewhere else and with someone else. She feels that she had no choice. Just like the horse trainer who has failed to make a connection, the husband is left wondering what happened.
The GOOD NEWS is that it doesn’t have to be this way. Even in horse training where the horse is entirely shut down and distrustful, there is hope. Reversing the downward spiral can be done when a man adopts a new commitment to learning and sets higher expectations for himself.
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With an authentic and consistent effort, a man will learn how to create emotional safety with her. He will learn how to give love and respect in ways that SHE wants to receive them. He does this without expectation or pressure to receive anything in return. It is just who he is. A natural result of his unconditional love will be a renewed connection of trust and respect. Mutual giving and receiving can now happen more comfortably which allows attraction and intimacy to grow.
He will learn to accept responsibility for creating environments in which others can be drawn to him…to trust him…to respect him…to thrive! His new mode of living will forever change HIS life and the lives of those he loves. This is the man he was meant to be.
Q: Why do you compare understanding women to understanding horses?
A: Because both require a man to slow down, observe, and communicate with intention instead of force. Horses and women read energy, not logic. If you don’t understand their language, you lose their trust. Once you do understand it, you gain a connection that feels supernatural.
Q: What exactly is the “language” she needs me to learn?
A: It’s the emotional language beneath her words. Tone, timing, body cues, safety, presence, leadership, boundaries, softness, strength. She needs to feel your intention, not just hear your explanations. Like a horse, she responds to what you are far more than what you say.
Q: What happens when a man refuses to learn this new language?
A: The same thing that happens to a trainer who keeps yanking the reins and pushing harder — the horse shuts down. A woman will lose trust, respect, emotional safety, willingness, responsiveness, and eventually the desire to stay. She’ll feel she “had no choice.” Meanwhile, he’ll be standing there saying, “What the hell happened?”
Q: Can things really turn around after years of disconnection?
A: Yes — if YOU change the energy you bring. Even a shut-down, fearful, distrustful horse can be brought back to connection with calm leadership, consistency, and zero pressure. Women respond the same way. When she feels safe, respected, and not manipulated, her nervous system reopens.
Q: What’s the end result if I choose to learn her language deeply?
A: You become the man she can relax with — the man she trusts, respects, opens up to, and eventually desires again. You become the emotional safe place in her world. The shift changes her, you, and the entire relationship. And once you learn to create environments where others naturally connect with you, it improves every area of your life — not just your marriage.
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