No Emotional Safety Equals A Cold Affectionless Marriage
Your wife expects you to know what emotional safety means to her. It is so important for a man to understand this and WHY it is YOUR JOB to create it. If you are trying to improve or save your marriage and intimate life, you must embrace this reality and own it!
Emotional safety is important to both men and women. Without it, we feel unsure about opening up and sharing sensitive emotions and thoughts with each other. Fear of being judged, criticized, or ignored will shut down any hope of communicating at a deeper level on just about any topic. This absolutely affects the ability of two people to connect on an intimate level. Show me a man who has neglected his job in the emotional safety department and I’ll show you a man who has an unhappy marriage and an unsatisfying sex life.
Men always ask me:
- Why is this MY job?
- Why do I have to go first?
- Why doesn’t SHE have a role in making ME feel safe?
The answers have to do with the way we are biologically wired. This has nothing to do with who is stronger, smarter, or more rational. Men and women are absolutely EQUAL all the way to the level of our souls. But, we are not the same.
Your wife or girlfriend is naturally gifted with the ability and intuition to sense your INTENTIONS. This means that she will consciously or subconsciously react to your energy and intention. This is her programming and secret power. As a man, you do not have this gift. This is why it is YOUR JOB to behave in ways that create feelings of emotional safety. This is YOUR special gift and secret power.
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As your relationship has developed, she has internally cataloged hundreds of emotional data points from you. She can immediately sense what your intentions are when you speak to her or about her, touch her, walk past her, and even when you close a door. It is up to you to understand this and choose to be intentional with your words, tone, and behaviors.
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Your words can convey either respect or disdain. Your tone can make her feel loving appreciation or disappointment. Your actions will communicate either resentment/anger or calmness/self-assuredness. She FEELS these from you. She will not usually tell you this directly. But you must understand the enormous impact that your negativity has on her ability to trust you, respect you, and be attracted to you. It is entirely up to you to choose the messages you want to send her.
Even if they buy into this, many men will say, “Well, I can’t be responsible for how SHE processes her stuff. It’s not my fault if she is reacting to me.”
Horse hockey. This is like saying you’re not responsible for understanding the emotional needs of your child. Or, you’re not responsible for understanding the mission of your company. Or, you’re not responsible for the consistency of your golf swing.
If you want to improve your marriage and your intimate life, you have the responsibility for learning what is required. You do not resent the basic fact that SHE needs you to provide emotional safety. In fact, when you become aware of and committed to your masculine role, you find something else is true. The process of becoming that man is extremely rewarding and fulfilling in itself. It feels like a weight has been lifted from your shoulders when you understand and accept what is needed from you to create emotional safety for her.
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This process also opens up lines of communication and sharing that you didn’t have before. She is able to reciprocate with words and actions that make you feel safer. You have finally allowed her to feel comfortable in communicating her intimate needs and desires. And, you have created an environment in which her confident feminine nature will emerge to understand and meet yours.
Call or email me anytime for a free chat about helping YOU understand how to create emotional safety and THEN intimacy in your relationship. Really. You CAN do this!
Q: Why is emotional safety my job as a man, and not hers?
A: Because she feels your intentions long before she hears your words. Women are biologically wired to read energy, tone, and emotional integrity. Your job is to create emotional safety through calmness, consistency, and intention. When you lead with grounded presence, she naturally relaxes, trusts you, and opens up in return.
Q: How do I know when my wife doesn’t feel emotionally safe with me anymore?
A: Look for shutdowns—less sharing, shorter answers, emotional distance, or avoiding physical affection. She’s not being dramatic; she’s reacting to your energy, tone, and the messages your behavior sends. When you show resentment, anger, or defensiveness, emotional safety collapses. Rebuild it with steady, respectful, intentional presence.
Q: What does emotional safety actually look like in a marriage?
A: Emotional safety is the feeling she gets when your tone is calm, your intentions are clean, and your reactions are steady. She feels safe to express fears, desires, and emotions without being judged or dismissed. When you create this environment, trust grows, communication deepens, and intimacy becomes natural again.
Q: How do I create emotional safety if my wife already doesn’t trust me?
A: Start with small, consistent shifts—respectful tone, steady eye contact, non-reactive listening, and actions that signal reliability. Your wife has cataloged hundreds of data points about you. You rewrite that catalog through repeated moments of calm strength. Emotional safety doesn’t come from words—it comes from who you choose to be.
Q: Why does my tone matter so much to my wife?
A: Because tone reveals intention. Even if your words sound neutral, your energy tells the truth. If your tone carries frustration, blame, or disappointment, she feels it instantly. A calm, confident tone creates emotional safety, which leads to more trust, softness, and intimacy. Your tone is your leadership.
Q: What happens when I finally embrace my masculine role of creating emotional safety?
A: Everything changes. Communication opens up. She starts sharing again. Her feminine energy becomes warm, receptive, and affectionate. She feels safe enough to express her desires. And you finally feel respected, trusted, and connected. Owning your role doesn’t make you responsible for everything—it makes you powerful in the right ways.
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