My Wife’s Stress is Causing ME Stress
One of the most common issues men struggle with in relationships is how we handle a woman when she’s in an emotional state.
I know that I failed to understand my ability to help her step out of those storms for a good 10+ years of my marriage.
It’s not a simple thing to do when you’re in the heat of the moment – especially when you’re not expecting it.
But there are some simple tools you can have in your toolkit that will help you to know exactly how to respond.
These aren’t tools to fix what’s “wrong” with her, but how you use them can allow her to come out of her emotions, to relax and to move toward you and want to reconnect.
I talk more about this in the video below:
“Knowing that her emotions aren’t about me means I can relax and lead us forward”
When your relationship is under pressure and things seem to be getting worse, how do you find the pressure valve and release the tension so that everyone can relax?
It’s such an important skill to be able to look at things a little differently to the way they appear at first glance.
In your work environment you do this ALL THE TIME and you’re so good at it that you get rewarded highly for your abilities.
But in our personal relationships, we struggle to apply the same skills.
Other articles you may find helpful:
My Wife is a Feminist and Thinks Masculinity is ToxicHow to Attract Her Toward You When She’s Backing Away
It’s not because we’ve suddenly lost the ability to see solutions and implement them.
It’s not because we don’t care or want to help.
In fact often we care too much and it’s crippling our ability to help.
Sound confusing?
It is.
I was.
The harder I tried the more strained and distant my relationship became.
So what causes the pressure and tension?
Why can’t you seem to say or do the right thing anymore?
It all comes down to the tools you’re using, where and how you’re applying them.
When your partner is upset, our first reaction is often to ask her questions so you can take away whatever is causing her stress or pain.
BUT…and this is important, you CAN’T fix that problem.
There are no tools that I or anyone else can give you to shore up her anxiety, melt her sadness or jump start her happiness.
Those things are all created by her thinking.
And those things will only be fixed by her thinking.
What she’s focused on, what’s worrying her, how many things she’s still not done (that she should have completed last week)….
A million different stresses and pressures that are all outside your control.
You do have some amazing tools at your fingertips though. Incredibly affective tools. Tools that have an instant effect on how you experience moments of stress and anxiety in your life.
Where and how you use them makes all the difference. These tools are for you, to tune up how you deal with circumstances in your life and to enable you to raise your own enjoyment.
The first tool is your ability to stay calm.
This is like new brakes on an old pickup. When you decide to stop trying to calm someone else down and instead choose to focus on staying calm yourself, suddenly you give yourself an extra couple of seconds to respond, to be more in control of your decisions and actions.
The second tool is curiosity.
This is like finding the release valve on a red hot pressure cooker. When you’re able to see her behavior is being driven by her internal pressure, you can stop letting it define you. Some of the urgency and pressure gets released from inside you, then you can breath deeply, imagine what it must feel like for her and be interested in understanding her more.
The third tool is agency.
This is like deliberately ignoring the Satnav and choosing the route you want to take to your destination. When you have a clear sense of your own identity and value in your relationship, you can make decisions that align with your character, build your self respect and confidence. You lead by example. You can’t choose your route and expect others to pat you on the back, but you can choose your route and be committed to enjoying the journey – be committed to WHY you chose that route.
When we’re coaching men, so much of what we do is getting you clear on knowing when and how to use the tools you have.
First you have to know what your tools are (your character).
Then you have to know what your tools aren’t (your circumstance).
And finally you must know why you use a tool (your intent).
When a man finally gets this it’s like a light has been switched on for him. He starts asking why we don’t learn these things earlier in life.
We hear things like:
“I feel my old confidence coming back. We had one of the most honest, scary, yet connected conversations we’ve had in years. I finally feel like we’re being real with each other and understand how the other person has been feeling for years.”
We go deep with the men we coach every day of the year. This is the route to being a great man, and it’s an incredibly fulfilling journey that we would love to take with you.
The Men’s Live Coaching Roundtable is a powerful collection of men from around the world working together to transform themselves and their relationships. Dan Dore and I lead this community with 5 other professional coaches. We have live coaching video calls twice per month. The camaraderie in this group is something missing from the lives of too many men in the world.
Our online course How to Defuse the Divorce Bomb is a deep and intense dive into handling yourself when you hear, “I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore.” Tim Wade and I host monthly live Q&A calls with all the students in this course which includes many other bonuses as well. Find out more here.
We love teaching men these tools – how to be better, how to know who you are, what you stand for, what you want and how to CREATE it in your life through our Masculine Confidence coaching programs.
What if this next year everything changed for you?
That’s what we want for you brother.
My new book Straight Talk Tools for the Desperate Husband will help you to lead yourself and your relationship back to good health. Understand why your partner acts the way she does toward you and learn how to lead your life in the direction you want it to go. You CAN have the relationship you want, fulfilling all your desires while maintaining love and respect.
I wrote a free e-book to help men learn how to lose their fear and be more bold in their marriage to create the love and connection they want. Get The Hard to Swallow Truth About Saving Your Marriage
Q: Why does my wife’s emotion hit me so hard, even when I know it’s not about me?
A: Because your nervous system thinks it is about you. When she’s upset, your brain instantly jumps into “fix it or I’m failing” mode. That pressure creates panic, urgency, and over-talking — which only makes her feel less safe. The moment you truly understand that her emotions come from her internal thinking, not from your actions, you finally stop personalizing them. That’s when you start responding like a grounded man instead of reacting like a frightened boy.
Q: What do I say when she’s emotional so I don’t make things worse?
A: Don’t start with words. Start with state. A calm man says less and means more. When she’s upset, your job isn’t to solve her problem — it’s to regulate yourself. When you stay calm, breathe, slow down, and keep your tone steady, she feels safer. Emotional storms burn out faster when you don’t add wind.
Q: How do I stop trying to fix her problems? It feels automatic.
A: Because your brain is built for problem-solving — at work, that makes you valuable. At home, it makes you annoying. Fixing is a masculine strength, but using it in the wrong place backfires. The move is learning discernment:
What’s mine? My state, my response, my tone, my presence.
What’s hers? Her thoughts, her feelings, her stress, her interpretation.
When you stop mixing the two, you stop overreaching and start leading.
Q: Why does she get angrier when I try harder to help or calm her?
A: Because your “help” often comes from anxiety, not leadership. She doesn’t feel your calm — she feels your pressure. The harder you try to regulate her, the less regulated you become. What she needs isn’t fixing, solutions, pep talks, or explanations. She needs a man who can stay present without collapsing or trying to control the moment.
Q: How do I stay calm when I feel attacked, criticised, or blindsided?
A: You slow time down.
You give yourself a two-second pause.
You breathe through your chest instead of your throat.
And you remind yourself: “This isn’t about me. This is her pressure leaking out.”
That tiny shift gives you the psychological space to choose your response instead of reacting from fear or defensiveness. Calmness is a trained skill, not a personality trait — and you can learn it faster than you think.
Q: What does ‘curiosity’ look like in an emotional moment?
A: It looks like removing your armour.
It looks like wondering instead of defending.
It looks like:
“Wow, this seems heavy for you.”
“What’s the hardest part about this right now?”
“I’m here. You don’t have to protect me from how you feel.”
Curiosity relaxes both nervous systems because it stops making her emotion your enemy. It becomes something you’re steady enough to explore with her.
Q: What does ‘agency’ mean in a relationship?
A: Agency means you stop letting her emotions decide your identity, your choices, or your behaviour. It means you return to your internal compass — your values, your character, your intent. Agency sounds like:
“Here’s how I want to show up right now.”
“This is who I want to be in this moment.”
“I choose this response because it aligns with my values.”
When you act from agency, she stops feeling responsible for your emotional stability — and connection becomes possible again.
Q: Why is it so hard to use these tools in the heat of the moment?
A: Because you’re emotionally invested and afraid of losing connection. The tools aren’t complicated — you are triggered. Once you learn to regulate your own nervous system and stop interpreting her emotions as threats, everything gets easier. The more you practice calmness, curiosity, and agency, the more natural they feel — and the safer she feels around you.
Q: Can these tools actually fix our relationship?
A: They can do something better: they fix you, which is the only thing that reliably changes the relationship. You can’t control her emotions, but you can absolutely influence the emotional climate. When a man shows up calm, steady, curious, and grounded, a woman’s nervous system starts to trust again — and connection returns.
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