My Wife Says “You need to work on yourself”
From 1999 to 2005 I owned and operated a Bed & Breakfast (and Horse Hotel) in the mountains of northern Colorado.
Many of my guests were from a large Buddhist retreat center about a mile down the road.
These were people seriously into “personal growth work” and many were repeat guests.
They learned how to meditate, how to be mindful, how to be kind to themselves, how to witness their own thoughts and how to end their suffering by detaching from their desires…and lots of other cool stuff.
In fact, if you read much of the stuff I write about that cool stuff may sound oddly similar. Most personal development stuff does. It gives you a shot in the ass for the moment and is easy to consume. It can be as habit-forming as a bag of “Sea Salt and Vinegar” potato chips. (my weakness)
And that’s the problem.
Personal growth work can often be a long-term diet of cotton candy quotes and cliches.
Do you ever find yourself gorging on personal development books, videos, podcasts or retreats only to find yourself right back where you started a few weeks later?
I saw that a LOT from my Buddhist B&B guests. They never seemed to “grow” or “develop”. They seemed to be in a perpetual dark funk searching for answers. And they returned every few months for another hit of cotton candy.
Their “personal growth work” was really a crock of sh*t. Just going through the motions.
In this video, I explain what I think they were missing.
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Does this apply to you?
Accountability.
That’s what was missing.
“Accountability separates the wishers in life from the action takers who care enough about their future to account for their daily actions.” ~ John Di Lemme
I started some personal development in the 80’s reading stuff about leadership and management. Then there was “Seven Habits of Highly Effective People” which made me think deeply about my own habits and thoughts about success.
I kept those thoughts to myself for the next 15 years. I had nobody to talk to about my secret fears and ambitions to actually IMPLEMENT the things in those books that moved me emotionally.
As a result, I made no real changes and continued to let life happen to me and reacted the best I could.
Then at age 50 I discovered the miracle of working with other men. These were men who challenged me, pushed me and believed in me more than I believed in myself.
I learned that my prior lackluster life was the result of keeping my “personal development” a big secret from the world. Most of my friends were not interested in talking about the stuff that was putting knots in my gut. The knots were my desire to go deeper.
I had zero accountability to myself. And I had no one to help hold me accountable. No parent. No teacher. No mentor.
This is why I created Goodguys2Greatmen.
I wanted to recreate my experience of being in a powerful, supportive brotherhood of really smart, caring men. These are men who relish in the challenge of thinking bigger, speaking more unapologetically and taking bold actions.
This brotherhood is all about compassion, understanding, support AND accountability. We don’t let men off the hook easily when we see them making the same mistakes and using OLD THINKING to solve to same OLD PROBLEMS.
Are you ready to start making changes faster than ever?
Are you ready to make up for the lost time caused by inaction?
Are you ready to learn life-changing perspectives about marriage, women and sex that your father never told you?
Join us in the Goodguys2Greatmen Men’s Live Coaching Roundtable.
Dan Dore and I run this group coaching format twice a month. The most you can lose is $69 and about 2 hours of your life.
This is a group of the strongest, smartest, kindest and most supportive men you will find on the planet earth.
The Men’s Live Coaching Roundtable is a powerful collection of men from around the world working together to transform themselves and their relationships. Dan Dore and I lead this community with 5 other professional coaches. We have live coaching video calls twice per month. The camaraderie in this group is something missing from the lives of too many men in the world.
Our online course How to Defuse the Divorce Bomb is a deep and intense dive into handling yourself when you hear, “I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore.” Tim Wade and I host monthly live Q&A calls with all the students in this course which includes many other bonuses as well. Find out more here.
We love teaching men these tools – how to be better, how to know who you are, what you stand for, what you want and how to CREATE it in your life through our Masculine Confidence coaching programs.
What if this next year everything changed for you?
That’s what we want for you brother.
My new book Straight Talk Tools for the Desperate Husband will help you to lead yourself and your relationship back to good health. Understand why your partner acts the way she does toward you and learn how to lead your life in the direction you want it to go. You CAN have the relationship you want, fulfilling all your desires while maintaining love and respect.
I wrote a free e-book to help men learn how to lose their fear and be more bold in their marriage to create the love and connection they want. Get The Hard to Swallow Truth About Saving Your Marriage.
Q: Why do I keep consuming personal development content but never actually change?
A: Because consumption feels good — implementation feels scary. Videos and books give you a sugar rush, a temporary “I’m doing something” hit. But without accountability and someone challenging your thinking, nothing sticks. You fall right back into old habits because there’s no structure, no pressure, and no one calling you out on your self-deception.
Q: What does “cotton-candy growth” look like in a man’s life?
A: It looks like reading inspirational quotes, binge-watching gurus, feeling motivated for a week…and then doing absolutely nothing different. It’s surface-level positivity without depth, action, or discomfort. Cotton-candy growth gives you relief, not transformation. It keeps you busy, but it doesn’t make you better.
Q: Why is accountability so important for real personal growth?
A: Because without accountability, your brain will always choose comfort over courage. A man left alone with his thoughts will talk himself out of the very actions that would change his life. Accountability inserts pressure — good pressure — to do the things you say matter. It forces you to face your fear, your excuses, and your blind spots.
Q: Why couldn’t I make meaningful changes on my own, even when I wanted to?
A: Because personal development kept happening only in your head. You had insights but no witnesses. You had desires but no support. And you had fears but no men pushing you through them. Real change requires exposure — speaking your truth, being challenged, being believed in, and being held to a standard higher than your comfort zone.
Q: What’s the difference between learning and transforming?
A: Learning is passive — it fills your mind. Transforming is active — it changes your behavior. You can learn alone, but you transform only in the presence of others who challenge you, sharpen you, and refuse to let you hide. That’s what most men are missing when they say, “I’ve read all the books but nothing changes.”
Q: Why do men in groups grow faster than men who work alone?
A: Because men grow through brotherhood, not isolation. In the presence of other strong, honest men, you stop lying to yourself. You get called out, called forward, and called higher. Their belief in you becomes the spark you couldn’t create for yourself. The accountability, camaraderie, and challenge accelerate your growth in ways solo work never can.
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