My Wife is a Feminist and Thinks Masculinity is Toxic
Toxic masculinity…toxic masculinity…toxic masculinity!
Did you get that queasy knot in your stomach yet?
Is the hair on the back of you neck tingling just a bit?
Most good men have a physical reaction to the phrase…at least a wince of discomfort when they hear it.
And then what do they do?
Some of them waste another few hours of their day lurking around the internet getting themselves all spun up with anger and defensiveness. They will engage in emotionally charged arguments with other men and women trying say something brilliant or change someone’s mind.
The problem with this approach is that it’s entirely INEFFECTIVE.
Most of the discourse on the topic is infused with dramatic outrage, fear, blaming and shaming tactics.
And the result is a mass of people who are more agitated, more angry, more distrustful and more defensive than ever.
This creates more division and more contempt.
In other words...it’s totally ineffective and has ZERO chance of making any real change in the short term or long term.
And the worst part?
It’s totally ineffective for the man who wants to dramatically improve his life, his marriage, his parenting and his legacy.
I believe the most effective way to create a healthier social dynamic is to create healthier INDIVIDUALS.
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If we want trusting, respectful and safe relationships between men and women we must create stronger men and women of integrity, empathy and emotional maturity.
This is where you come in.
You have a specific sphere of control and influence in your life. And that’s not embroiled in wasteful arguments and finger-pointing with those outside your direct influence.
Ignore them and stop wasting time. You must focus within the boundaries of your own life experience.
This is why I’m always preaching to men, “Stay in your lane!”.
The KEY here is to actually know where your lane is and what it means for you to stay in it.
How about the lane of “Safe, Natural and Effective Masculinity”?
This is the opposite of “toxic masculinity”.
In this video I explain what this means.
I’ll keep this simple, as usual.
SAFE means you are emotionally mature, self-reliant and grounded in your masculinity. You’re not over-reactive, defensive or threatened by conflict. You’re unafraid of being “emasculated” or “insulted” or “offended” because you don’t accept victim status.
NATURAL means you understand that your unrattled sense of peace and well-being is your default state. It’s a place you choose to come from and not something you seek to get from others. Because of this you’re naturally approachable, kind and generous. And because of this you’re naturally curious and amused when others are not.
EFFECTIVE means you understand the value in a measured, thoughtful RESPONSE to your emotional triggers instead of an immature, boyish REACTION. You don’t need to be “right” in disagreements and you handle conflict in a way that leaves others feeling heard and understood. You clearly know what your values are and you’re unafraid to stand up for them.
Positive masculinity isn’t rocket science, but it does take a conscious effort.
It requires us to lose the baggage of childhood insecurity and to decide to own our thoughts and our choices.
You’ll never feel more liberated and more at peace as when you achieve self-reliance and detachment from the trappings of neediness and insecure competitiveness.
And that includes silly arguments on Facebook about toxic masculinity.
If you’re interested in getting more conscious and more involved in transforming your masculinity, you’ve got options.
This is all we do.
The Men’s Live Coaching Roundtable is a powerful collection of men from around the world working together to transform themselves and their relationships. Dan Dore and I lead this community with 5 other professional coaches. We have live coaching video calls twice per month. The camaraderie in this group is something missing from the lives of too many men in the world.
We still have 3 spots left for the Unapologetic Masculine Confidence Retreat in the UK, April 24-27th. If you want to feel more confident, more deliberate, less edited, more open-hearted and easy going then join Dan and I for an intense shot to your system that will bring back your belief in yourself.
Our online course How to Defuse the Divorce Bomb is a deep and intense dive into handling yourself when you hear, “I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore.” Tim Wade and I host monthly live Q&A calls with all the students in this course which includes many other bonuses as well. Find out more here.
The MEXICO MOJO MASTERY retreat for March 2020 is now 60% full! This is an advanced retreat for men who have had one-on-one coaching or have attended other retreats.and we can’t wait to meet up again in Punta Mita at the Hacienda Alegra. Click that link for some mind-blowing pics.
We love teaching men these tools – how to be better, how to know who you are, what you stand for, what you want and how to CREATE it in your life through our Masculine Confidence coaching programs.
What if this next year everything changed for you?
That’s what we want for you brother.
My new book Straight Talk Tools for the Desperate Husband will help you to lead yourself and your relationship back to good health. Understand why your partner acts the way she does toward you and learn how to lead your life in the direction you want it to go. You CAN have the relationship you want, fulfilling all your desires while maintaining love and respect.
I wrote a free e-book to help men learn how to lose their fear and be more bold in their marriage to create the love and connection they want. Get The Hard to Swallow Truth About Saving Your Marriage.
Q: What does “toxic masculinity” actually mean for a normal man like me?
A: Most men hear “toxic masculinity” and feel attacked. But the real issue isn’t masculinity—it’s immaturity. Safe, natural, effective masculinity isn’t dangerous. It’s emotionally mature, grounded, self-reliant, and unthreatened by conflict. That’s the polarity women respond to, not the defensive outrage we see online.
Q: How do I avoid toxic masculinity without becoming weak or passive?
A: You don’t have to shrink yourself. You just upgrade your operating system. Safe masculinity means you respond instead of react. Natural masculinity means you don’t look to others for emotional regulation. Effective masculinity means you stand firm in your values without needing to dominate or be “right.”
Q: Why do I get so triggered when people talk about toxic masculinity?
A: Because you’ve been taught to feel judged instead of centered. When you’re insecure, every comment feels like a personal attack. When you’re grounded in emotional maturity, curiosity replaces defensiveness. Other people’s opinions don’t threaten you—they reveal where they are, not where you are.
Q: How can I stay in my lane when online arguments about masculinity piss me off?
A: Remember your sphere of control. You can’t fix strangers on Facebook, but you can transform yourself. Put your energy into being a better man for your partner, your kids, your career, your legacy. That’s where you actually make a difference—not in keyboard warfare with anonymous critics.
Q: What does “safe, natural, effective masculinity” look like in real life?
A: Safe masculinity is calm and grounded. Natural masculinity is peaceful, generous, and comfortable in its own skin. Effective masculinity is measured, thoughtful, and values-driven in conflict. This isn’t rocket science—it’s emotional maturity. And it’s massively attractive to women and deeply stabilizing for you.
Q: How do I develop more emotional maturity and self-reliance?
A: You stop chasing external validation and start owning your thoughts, choices, and behaviors. You learn to respond instead of react. You drop the boyish insecurity that makes everything feel like a threat. This is the heart of masculine confidence work—and exactly what we teach in the Roundtable and retreats.
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