Is This Sabotaging Your Sex Life (It Was For Me)
Here’s the most common sentence men type at the top of my consultation application.
“In the next 6 months I want to become more confident and learn how to make my wife trust me, feel more emotionally connected, be more affectionate and desire sexual intimacy with me again.”
I’m always impressed when they put “become more confident” in the beginning of the sentence. This is their inner wisdom pointing to the root cause of the problem.
He knows deep down that he has an important role to play in this game.
And he knows there are things he doesn’t know. It’s usually stuff he’s wanted for a long time. Stuff his dad didn’t teach him.
A man who lacks a strong, consistent sense of confidence and self-respect will continuously sabotage his wife‘s desire in subtle ways.
His relationship feels like a daily struggle…even in simple conversations.
I remember those days well.
It’s not that I didn’t have “confidence” in other parts of my life. I was good at what I did for a living. People liked and respected me without question. By most measures, I looked like I had it all…on the outside.
But on the inside, I felt like an amateur when it came to romantic relationships. My wife confused and frustrated me. She triggered a 13-year-old level of emotion in me that I couldn’t control.
And when it came to the world of trust, connection, affection and sexual intimacy, I clearly lacked both the competence and the confidence needed to get what I wanted.
I didn’t know what I didn’t know.
Nobody ever explained to me how I was turning off her desire.
In this video I spend 11 minutes helping you learn three things my dad didn’t tell me.
How To Know When Your Insecurity Is Sabotaging Your Sex Life
Every man has an “inner boy” who comes out to play when we are triggered by insecurity. We try to cover him up by getting big…getting loud…sounding smart…making threats and/or simply shutting down.
The 3 symptoms that identify if this is happening to you are:
Frequent anger at others…and toward yourself
Constant judgment and criticism of nearly anyone who
disappoints you
Habitual defensiveness anytime you feel attacked or blamed
It’s not enough to tell a man, “Well, just don’t do that!“
Those red flags are very normal and natural result of fear and insecurity.
And there’s no place like a romantic relationship to trigger your deepest fears and insecurities.
If you seriously want to change the nature of your relationship, you will have to get serious about changing your own nature.
The cure for frequent anger is a well developed sense of inner strength and well-being. You have to know in your heart you are OKAY even when your thinking is trying to convince you otherwise.
The cure for constant judgment and criticism is compassion and empathy. You have to know in your heart that other people are doing the best they can.
The cure for defensiveness is strong sense of self-respect and self-esteem. You have to know in your heart that external attacks are more about the attacker than they are about you.
Most men don’t need deep therapy to accomplish all three.
Most men need a clear explanation…a clear plan…and a clear commitment to making changes for HIMSELF.
The men who succeed at this place a higher importance on the process of changing than they do on the end result.
The surest path to creating a bad outcome is being hyper-focused on the outcome. Developing an innate sense of well-being is the path to outcome independence.
And outcome independence in your relationship is the counter-intuitive path to building trust, connection and intimacy.
That is exactly the transformation we will teach you. It’s one thing to tell you WHAT you need to do.
We will demonstrate and teach you HOW TO BE this man in every aspect of your life.
All you need now is the courage to open up your heart to someone who has been in your shoes.
When you’re ready, ask us for a life-changing coaching consultation call. No, there’s no charge…just an amazing connection.
Free: If you’re serious about building your masculine mojo then apply for a coaching call with us we will help you identify what to focus on and what to avoid to get you feeling confident again.
What do I mean by “SERIOUS”?
- We take YOU and your struggles seriously…because we’ve been there
- We know living in a sexless marriage is serious…and so is showing your kids what a healthy affectionate relationship looks like
- A lack of intimacy of all kinds is serious now and for the long term health of your marriage
- We believe your personal emotional strength and well-being is serious
- We seriously show up 110% to our conversations with you and expect you to be as serious as we are about changing your life
Free Guide: Where You Should Focus To Grow Your Masculinity
$69 Monthly Subscription: Join Dan and I in our Men’s Roundtable Group Coaching membership. We meet three times per month for live group coaching and we support you in a powerful group of men facing the same issues you are. Get instant access to 5 years of recorded sessions. Try it for one month. What have you got to lose?
$397 One-Time Payment: How to Defuse the Divorce Bomb is a self-paced course with me, Tim Wade, and a community of men learning how to lead when you’ve just heard, “I love you but I’m not in love with you” or “I want to separate or divorce.”
As Teddy Roosevelt said:
“In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing.”
Q: Why does my wife seem to pull away when I try harder to connect?
A: Because “trying harder” often comes from insecurity, not confidence. When you’re anxious or approval-seeking, she feels it. Desire grows when you lead with calm certainty — not when you chase her for reassurance. Connection starts with self-respect, not strategy.
Q: How do I rebuild trust and intimacy with my wife after years of disconnection?
A: Stop trying to earn her trust and start living in a way that naturally inspires it. That means no defensiveness, no walking on eggshells. Show emotional steadiness, honesty, and direction. A woman trusts a man who trusts himself.
Q: What does “outcome independence” mean in a relationship?
A: It’s the art of caring deeply without clinging to results. You show love, presence, and leadership because it’s who you are — not because you need a reward. Ironically, that’s what reignites attraction and makes her feel safe again.
Q: How can I stop overreacting to my wife’s moods or criticism?
A: Notice when your “inner boy” takes over — the part that gets defensive, angry, or desperate to be right. Pause. Breathe. Respond like a man who knows he’s already okay. Emotional control is strength — not silence, not submission.
Q: What causes insecurity to destroy attraction in marriage?
A: Insecurity shifts your energy from confident to needy. You start seeking validation instead of offering leadership. The moment you depend on her reactions to feel good, attraction fades. Strength returns when you lead your emotions instead of letting them lead you.
Q: How do I actually become more confident in my marriage?
A: Confidence is built through clarity, consistency, and community. Get clear on your values, consistent in your behavior, and connected with other strong men who hold you accountable. You don’t fake confidence — you practice it until it becomes who you are.
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Have questions about your relationship?
Apply for a free, no strings, 90 minute deep dive personalized coaching session to help you identify what to focus on and what to avoid to get you moving toward the future you want. We offer a unique form of Men’s Coaching and we attract smart guys who see through surface level hype and bravado. We hide nothing and hold nothing back. We know that everything you want is behind your fear and skepticism…just like it was for us.
