How to Use Hope to Reconcile Your Marriage
Desmond Tutu said:
Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness.
When I tell men to:
Quit hoping for a reconciliation.
Quit hoping for her to come to her senses and not divorce you.
Quit hoping for her to fall back in love with you again.
…I’m not saying HOPE is a bad thing.
Hope can be very useful when applied correctly.
But hope, when applied from a place of fear, insecurity and inaction, is a totally ineffective approach to improving your situation AND your perception of your situation.
Why?
Because when we use hope as a tool to get others to change we are staying “in the dark”.
Our ability to “see that there is light” means that we see we have personal agency to create an amazing outcome even in the face of darkness.
Christopher Reeve didn’t sit in the darkness hoping for a cure to his paralysis.
He didn’t sit in his wheelchair hoping for his body to respond.
He didn’t sit in his living room hoping for someone to give his life meaning and to change his reality.
Yes, he placed some hope in the science of stem cell research.
Other articles you may find helpful:
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He also placed hope in that something good would come from his tragedy. He pushed himself to become healthy despite his injury.
He was relentless in his pursuit of knowledge.
He took responsibility for maximizing his physical health.
He was tireless in his public speaking and sharing his story to the world.
In my view, his HOPE was based in the light he wanted to create from the darkness that fell upon him.
Do I need to connect the dots for you here?
I don’t think so.
Bottom line:
If you’re going to employ HOPE, make sure you focus it on your ability to learn and grow from your situation…to develop the strength and wisdom to create an amazing life in the process.
I talk more about the kind of hope I want for you in this video.
Proactive Hope
I just invented that term.
What is “proactive hope”?
It’s the realization that you ARE NOT THE VICTIM OF YOUR CIRCUMSTANCES. You have agency – your personal power within – to change your circumstances even if you can’t prevent certain negative outcomes.
It’s the acceptance of responsibility for changing your perspective…changing your THINKING and, therefore, changing those feelings of hopeless desperation that cause paralysis.
When you decide to take responsibility you will then start making decisions and declarations that align with your values and your truth.
This causes an immediate change in your circumstances AND an immediate change in your emotional experience of your circumstances.
And THIS is where you need to be in order to create a whole new story of your future.
For most men, it’s their inability to imagine A FULFILLING AND REWARDING FUTURE that feeds their desperation, resentment and sadness.
How to Start Creating Your Amazing Future Story
It all starts with surrounding yourself with wise, caring, initiated men who have traveled the same path as you.
You must have a tribe of men around you who can teach, encourage and support you in the journey. It is positively the FASTEST and MOST EFFECTIVE way for you improve your current situation – inside of you and outside of you.
The Men’s Live Coaching Roundtable is a powerful collection of men from around the world working together to transform themselves and their relationships. Dan Dore and I lead this community with 5 other professional coaches. We have live coaching video calls twice per month. The camaraderie in this group is something missing from the lives of too many men in the world.
Our online course How to Defuse the Divorce Bomb is a deep and intense dive into handling yourself when you hear, “I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore.” Tim Wade and I host monthly live Q&A calls with all the students in this course which includes many other bonuses as well. Find out more here.
We love teaching men these tools – how to be better, how to know who you are, what you stand for, what you want and how to CREATE it in your life through our Masculine Confidence coaching programs.
What if this next year everything changed for you?
That’s what we want for you brother.
My new book Straight Talk Tools for the Desperate Husband will help you to lead yourself and your relationship back to good health. Understand why your partner acts the way she does toward you and learn how to lead your life in the direction you want it to go. You CAN have the relationship you want, fulfilling all your desires while maintaining love and respect.
I wrote a free e-book to help men learn how to lose their fear and be more bold in their marriage to create the love and connection they want. Get The Hard to Swallow Truth About Saving Your Marriage
Q: Why does hoping for reconciliation or hoping she’ll come back never seem to work?
A: Because that kind of hope is passive and fear-based. It waits for her to change instead of you. When hope becomes a substitute for action, you stay in the dark. Real progress happens when you stop hoping for her and start hoping in yourself.
Q: How do I stop feeling like a victim when my marriage is falling apart?
A: By shifting from passive hope to proactive hope. You have personal agency — the ability to change your thinking, your habits, and your emotional leadership even when the outcome isn’t guaranteed. Victimhood fades the moment you take ownership of the story you’re writing next.
Q: What can I do when I feel hopeless about my future without my wife’s love or approval?
A: You start imagining a fulfilling future that isn’t dependent on her choices. Most men stay miserable because they can’t picture anything good ahead. When you choose to create strength, purpose, confidence, and clarity inside yourself, your future becomes brighter than your past.
Q: How do I develop the strength to handle divorce threats, distance, or emotional withdrawal?
A: You surround yourself with initiated men who’ve walked the same road. Brotherhood is the fastest way to replace fear with clarity. Wise men give you perspective, challenge the stories in your head, and help you regain the emotional power you’ve forgotten you have.
Q: What does “proactive hope” actually look like in my daily life?
A: It looks like taking responsibility for your thinking, choosing empowered actions, and making decisions aligned with your values — not your fear. Proactive hope changes your emotional experience and your circumstances at the same time. It turns helplessness into momentum.
Q: How do I start creating a better future when I feel stuck in darkness right now?
A: Start by owning your agency. One decision, one thought, one declaration can shift everything. Then connect with men who help you stay consistent. When you change your perspective and act from strength rather than desperation, the darkness begins to lift immediately.
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