How To Turn The Pain From Your Failing Marriage Into Fuel
Desmond Tutu said:
Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness.
When I tell men to:
- Quit hoping for a reconciliation.
- Quit hoping for her to come to her senses and not divorce you.
- Quit hoping for her to fall back in love with you again.
…I’m not saying HOPE is a bad thing.
Hope can be very useful when applied correctly.
But hope, when applied from a place of fear, insecurity and inaction, is a totally ineffective approach to improving your situation AND your perception of your situation.
Why?
Because when we use hope as a tool to get others to change we are staying “in the dark”.
Our ability to “see that there is light” means that we see we have personal agency to create an amazing outcome even in the face of darkness.
Christopher Reeve didn’t sit in the darkness hoping for a cure to his paralysis.
He didn’t sit in his wheelchair hoping for his body to respond.
He didn’t sit in his living room hoping for someone to give his life meaning and to change his reality.
Yes, he placed some hope in the science of stem cell research.
He also placed hope in that something good would come from his tragedy. He pushed himself to become healthy despite his injury.
He was relentless in his pursuit of knowledge.
He took responsibility for maximizing his physical health.
He was tireless in his public speaking and sharing his story to the world.
In my view, his HOPE was based in the light he wanted to create from the darkness that fell upon him.
Do I need to connect the dots for you here?
I don’t think so.
Bottom line:
If you’re going to employ HOPE, make sure you focus it on your ability to learn and grow from your situation…to develop the strength and wisdom to create an amazing life in the process.
I talk more about the kind of hope I want for you in this video.
Proactive Hope
I just invented that term.
What is “proactive hope”?
It’s the realization that you ARE NOT THE VICTIM OF YOUR CIRCUMSTANCES. You have agency – your personal power within – to change your circumstances even if you can’t prevent certain negative outcomes.
It’s the acceptance of responsibility for changing your perspective…changing your THINKING and, therefore, changing those feelings of hopeless desperation that cause paralysis.
When you decide to take responsibility you will then start making decisions and declarations that align with your values and your truth.
This causes an immediate change in your circumstances AND an immediate change in your emotional experience of your circumstances.
And THIS is where you need to be in order to create a whole new story of your future.
For most men, it’s their inability to imagine A FULFILLING AND REWARDING FUTURE that feeds their desperation, resentment and sadness.
How to Start Creating Your Amazing Future Story
It all starts with surrounding yourself with wise, caring, initiated men who have traveled the same path as you.
You must have a tribe of men around you who can teach, encourage and support you in the journey. It is positively the FASTEST and MOST EFFECTIVE way for you improve your current situation – inside of you and outside of you.
Here are some immediate options for you to stop hoping and instead use your agency and start creating a whole new reality for yourself:
Free: If you’re serious about building your masculine mojo then apply for a coaching call with us we will help you identify what to focus on and what to avoid to get you feeling confident again.
What do I mean by “SERIOUS”?
- We take YOU and your struggles seriously…because we’ve been there
- We know living in a sexless marriage is serious…and so is showing your kids what a healthy affectionate relationship looks like
- A lack of intimacy of all kinds is serious now and for the long term health of your marriage
- We believe your personal emotional strength and well-being is serious
- We seriously show up 110% to our conversations with you and expect you to be as serious as we are about changing your life
Free Guide: Where You Should Focus To Grow Your Masculinity
$69 Monthly Subscription: Join Dan and I in our Men’s Roundtable Group Coaching membership. We meet three times per month for live group coaching and we support you in a powerful group of men facing the same issues you are. Get instant access to 5 years of recorded sessions. Try it for one month. What have you got to lose?
$397 One-Time Payment: How to Defuse the Divorce Bomb is a self-paced course with me, Tim Wade, and a community of men learning how to lead when you’ve just heard, “I love you but I’m not in love with you” or “I want to separate or divorce.”
As Teddy Roosevelt said:
“In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing.”
Q: How do I stay hopeful when my wife wants a divorce?
A: By shifting from passive hope to proactive hope. Don’t wait for her to change—focus on rebuilding yourself. Real hope isn’t about controlling outcomes; it’s about using your strength, clarity, and purpose to create a better version of you, no matter what happens.
Q: What’s the difference between real hope and false hope in marriage?
A: False hope waits for someone else to fix the pain. Real hope takes ownership. When you start learning, leading, and living from your values, you stop being the victim of circumstances—and start becoming the author of your future.
Q: Why does hope sometimes make me feel weaker instead of stronger?
A: Because you’re using it as a coping mechanism instead of a catalyst. Hope without action becomes helplessness. But when you pair hope with responsibility—when you move your feet toward growth—it becomes power. That’s proactive hope.
Q: How can I rebuild my life when everything feels dark?
A: Start small. Build new habits, new routines, and new thoughts. Surround yourself with men who’ve walked this same road. Darkness doesn’t disappear when you wait—it lifts when you start creating light. That’s how strength and peace return.
Q: What does “proactive hope” mean for a man going through loss?
A: It means accepting reality and choosing to grow through it. You stop hoping for the storm to pass and start learning how to dance in the rain. Your mindset—not your marriage—becomes the key to freedom.
Q: How do I create a hopeful future when I can’t imagine one yet?
A: Get around men who can. Clarity grows through connection. Borrow the vision of others until you find your own. Every strong man who rebuilt his life started by refusing to wait for permission to believe again.
Author 
Have questions about your relationship?
Apply for a free, no strings, 90 minute deep dive personalized coaching session to help you identify what to focus on and what to avoid to get you moving toward the future you want. We offer a unique form of Men’s Coaching and we attract smart guys who see through surface level hype and bravado. We hide nothing and hold nothing back. We know that everything you want is behind your fear and skepticism…just like it was for us.
