How To Stop Sabotaging The Intimacy You Want
When it comes to the things you really, really want are you “outcome dependent”?
Outcome dependence is the number one cause of unbridled neediness.
And neediness almost always leads to excessively controlling behavior.
In your relationships this is a death sentence.
Outcome dependence is not to be confused with being “goal oriented”. Many of us dudes have tried to defend ourselves by claiming, “Well, I’m a goal setter and I like to make things happen. What wrong with having goals?!”
There’s a big difference between making personal or business goals happen and making someone else like us, love us, touch us or want to be with us.
A man’s secret fear of divorce is one example of outcome dependence. It’s not just that he desires a long, healthy, happy marriage…he absolutely, positively requires it. There are no other options. His very life and well-being depend on it.
And because of this dependence he will do anything to control the outcome.
The problem is that we can’t control an outcome without trying to control every person involved in that outcome.
I made this video to give you another way to think about “outcome dependence” and how you can stop trying to control other and increase your own self-respect.
The fastest way to drop neediness and instantly become more attractive is to learn how to drop your desire to control others.
When great men first see the wisdom in this they say things like:
“I now get nauseated to watch myself show up as a needy guy. I’m starting to catch myself before I try to control someone else.”
Here’s the cold, hard truth.
- Arguing about stupid things is controlling.
- Over-explaining yourself is controlling.
- Excessive care-taking of others is controlling.
- Stonewalling is controlling.
- Defensiveness is controlling.
- Criticism is controlling.
- Yelling and throwing shit is controlling.
- Needing to be right is controlling.
- And always “having a point to make” is controlling.
Your homework for this week is to see if you can catch yourself being controlling.
Then ask yourself, “What outcome do I depend on that is making me behave this way?”
Then ask yourself, “Who do I get to be if I let go of my dependence on that outcome?”
I’m interested to hear about what you see.
Hit reply to this email and let me know how you’re doing.
I want you to feel the power of outcome independence and the release of the anxiety that comes with trying to control others.
And if you want some support to help you with this, you have options….
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As Teddy Roosevelt said:
“In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing.”
Q: Why do I feel so anxious when things don’t go the way I want in my relationship?
A: That anxiety comes from outcome dependence—the belief that your peace and worth depend on how someone else responds. When your happiness hinges on her approval, you’ll feel constant tension. Real power comes from letting go of the outcome and grounding your confidence in who you are, not what happens.
Q: How can I stop being so needy in my marriage?
A: Neediness fades the moment you stop trying to control outcomes. Every time you catch yourself over-explaining, defending, or caretaking, pause and ask: “What outcome am I trying to force?” Replace control with curiosity and presence. That’s how calm, masculine energy becomes naturally attractive again.
Q: What’s the difference between healthy goals and outcome dependence?
A: Being goal-oriented means setting targets for yourself—fitness, finances, communication—and taking action. Outcome dependence means attaching your self-worth to someone else’s reaction. One builds confidence; the other destroys it. Focus on what you can control—your actions, integrity, and emotional state—and let go of the rest.
Q: Why do I keep trying to control people I love?
A: Because somewhere deep down, you believe your happiness depends on them. That’s outcome dependence at work. Whether it shows up as criticism, caretaking, or defensiveness, it’s all fear in disguise. The shift happens when you realize you can’t control others—but you can lead yourself with calm authority.
Q: What should I do when I notice myself being controlling?
A: Catch it in the act. Take a breath and ask, “What outcome am I afraid to lose right now?” Then ask, “Who do I get to be if I release that fear?” That pause reconnects you with your self-respect and allows you to act from grounded confidence instead of anxiety.
Q: How can I build outcome independence and feel more at peace?
A: Start small. Notice where you argue, explain, or withdraw to protect your ego. Each moment you choose to drop control and trust yourself, you grow outcome independence. Over time, you’ll feel lighter, more attractive, and more respected—because peace always follows personal responsibility.
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