How To Respond Attractively When Your Marriage Is Struggling
I give a lot of advice that seems to make no damn sense.
Guys are usually raring to do something…anything… when their wife starts acting a little squirrelly and wanting some space and independence.
And when it comes to a certain question, I always get resistance until the client actually implements the advice.
What’s the question?
How in the world can I get her back if I don’t talk to her?!?!
The problem is always the same.
He wants MUCH more than just to “talk to her”.
He wants to know every single thought she has. He wants an explanation for every little reaction. He wants clear and specific instructions on exactly what he needs to do NOW in order to get things back in order.
Not tomorrow. Right now, dammit.
Counter-Intuitive Coaching
My immediate advice is to breathe – very deeply – about 10 times.
The next 5 steps are:
1. Release the drag and let some line out. (immediately stop the fight)
2. Listen more than you talk…even if she isn’t talking.
3. Stop seeing her as a horrible, disloyal person who wants to hurt you. See deeper into her fear and anger – it’s not all about you.
4. Find a high quality friend/mentor you can confide in now and spend some time with.
5. Stay present, available, responsive and engaged. Don’t run off angry or make any rash decisions.
It’s SO tempting to want to FIX this now. You want information. You want feedback. You want to fix the KNOT in your stomach trying to tell you that you just might die.
Here’s the truth. You’re not going to die.
In fact, if you can just settle down long enough to get your head on straight, you’ll realize that you’re going to be just fine.
This is the perfect time to learn how a man handles these tests in life.
I talk about it more in this video.
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Clarity. It’s king.
Clarity of thought. Clarity about your feelings. Clarity about what is REALLY happening so you can settle down and sleep.
Without clarity everything feels out of control.
Without clarity you feel like you’re on the uphill side of a seesaw with her sitting on the other side…just sitting there. And you’ve got no clue when/if she’ll let you down.
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As Teddy Roosevelt said:
“In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing.”
Q: How can I get my wife back if I stop talking to her?
A: You don’t get her back by chasing — you create space for her to want to come back. Silence isn’t rejection; it’s leadership. When you calm your nervous energy, you become safe, grounded, and attractive again. That’s what draws her curiosity, not pressure.
Q: Why does giving her space actually work?
A: Because it removes the emotional pressure that keeps her in defense mode. Space allows her to feel her own thoughts without being forced to fix yours. When she no longer feels cornered, connection becomes her choice — not your demand.
Q: What should I do when my wife asks for space?
A: Breathe. Stop trying to solve her feelings. Focus on being steady, kind, and present without pushing. This is where masculine calm matters most — it shows her you can handle discomfort without reacting, which rebuilds respect faster than words ever could.
Q: How do I stay calm when I feel rejected?
A: Your emotions are valid, but they don’t need to control your actions. Find your breath. Call a trusted mentor. Move your body. Clarity only comes when you stop feeding panic with overthinking. Calm isn’t weakness — it’s your most masculine strength.
Q: Why does chasing her make things worse?
A: Because chasing comes from fear, not confidence. The more you push, the more she feels pressure — and pressure kills attraction. Slow down. Recenter. When you lead with patience and certainty, she’ll start to feel safe again in your energy.
Q: What does it mean to ‘release the drag’ in a relationship?
A: It means stop fighting the emotional current. Drop the need to control her reactions. When you release the drag, you stop exhausting yourself trying to “fix” her and start leading with clarity, respect, and peace. That’s when things start to change.
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