How To Reestablish The Trust Passion & Intimacy With Your Wife
Have you ever read an advice column question and started to answer it before you read the “expert’s” answer?
Believe it or not I did this every Sunday morning starting at 13 years old. It was the Ann Landers advice column in the Sunday paper – just opposite of the comics page I was pretending to read.
I guess I was destined for this career.
So now when I get questions from men about their marriage and sexual relationships I often share them with you…like the one below.
If you’re anything like me, you might want to close your eyes and think about how you would answer it. Then you can read my answer below.
Question from “Tony”:
Are there any consistencies in how long it usually takes a wife to ‘recover’ from her hurt and anger toward me? When is it appropriate to start enforcing what I stand for? Wait for our ‘agreed upon’ 6 month time frame? I’m working on myself and wondering how long before she wants me again. I wonder if I just don’t “get it” yet, as least not fully. Any thoughts?
Answer:
Hi Tony,
This is a very common question with a complex answer. Everyone wants to know “how long” before things get back to normal in a situation like yours.
The complexity is that by asking that question frequently – even in your head – is precisely what sets up the tension, pressure and implied judgment and disappointment that she can FEEL from you on a daily basis.
This is what most guys don’t get. You have to REALLY, REALLY stop giving a shit about progress, about goals and about timelines. Only then are you truly trustable with a woman in your wife’s current state of mind and emotions.
You have to stay in a lane of your own…happy, secure, engaged, motivated and inspired to live your own damn life. You lose resentment and expectation. You love more deeply than ever. You accept her more than ever before. And you consistently hold her in a position of high regard in your heart and your thoughts even on the hardest days.
It MAY be enough over time to help her re-engage in the intimacy you want in your marriage. It definitely won’t happen without that kind of commitment.
Here’s the other complexity.
Until you become that man and husband, you will feel resentful, impatient and confused as your marriage unfolds in front of you. You won’t be prepared to see and accept her bids to connect. You will continue to make stupid mistakes in how you show up. And you won’t have the courage and confidence to say and do the things necessary to invite her into the marriage you want to live.
This is what we teach in our coaching community. I’d love for you to think about joining us…maybe the Roundtable or the Defuse the Divorce Bomb group would be perfect for you.
Lotta love,
Steve
Then he replied:
Steve, with all due respect, this approach seems vague and open ended. Is there any evidence you have gathered over the years that provides some proof that this approach works, in other words will this approach begin the process of re-attracting your wife.. ? It’s hard going being separated and not knowing when or if your wife will want you back in the marital home.
Then I replied:
One of the things I always point out about us guys is that we want to know what “works”. We want data. We want a full risk assessment and statistics to know whether or not a solution is going to give us the outcome we want.
If you ask any man in this community you will find 100% agreement that that does not “work”. It makes things worse 100% of the time because it is devoid of confidence, maturity, emotional security and empathy.
We also know in this community that any man who has achieved a successful reconnection and reinvention of his relationship started by successfully reconnecting and reinventing himself and to stop trying to engineer outcomes and to control or manipulate others.
In this video I explain what it means to reconnect with yourself before worrying about others reconnecting with you.
If you are a man who is ready to reconnect with yourself and put an end to the nervous, anxious, impatient frustration in your relationship…then we’re ready for you.
Iron sharpens iron.
You can only do this with other men who will challenge you, teach you and share your feelings.
Marriage can feel like the giant sucking sound of rejection and frustration.
Those feelings are not created by her. They are the sole creation of our own thinking and disconnection from our natural, happy, bad ass self.
If you think you’re ready then I want to see your face in this incredible group of men doing the work. It’s called…
The Goodguys2Greatmen Live Coaching Roundtable
Strong men. Warriors who are facing the challenge.
Trusted men. Brothers who have your back at all times.
Compassionate men. Friends who make you feel safe to share your story.
Trust me, you will be welcomed with open arms.
I’m sure you have a lot of wisdom to share with us as well.
Ready to get started…?
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What do I mean by “SERIOUS”?
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$397 One-Time Payment: How to Defuse the Divorce Bomb is a self-paced course with me, Tim Wade, and a community of men learning how to lead when you’ve just heard, “I love you but I’m not in love with you” or “I want to separate or divorce.”
As Teddy Roosevelt said:
“In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing.”
Q: Why does my wife stay distant even though I’m working on myself?
A: Because she can still feel your attachment to the outcome. When your progress is fueled by the hope that she’ll come back, it creates pressure. Women sense that energy instantly. You have to drop the goal and live your life from genuine peace, purpose, and masculine confidence—not performance.
Q: How long does it take for a wife to forgive and reconnect after separation?
A: There’s no timeline—and that’s the point. The more you look for progress, the slower it goes. Emotional reconnection happens when a man stops chasing results and starts becoming a man she can trust again. That means steady, calm leadership—without neediness or control.
Q: What should I do when I feel impatient waiting for my wife to want me again?
A: Impatience comes from fear. It’s the fear that you’re not enough unless she validates you. The antidote is to focus on reconnecting with yourself—your health, purpose, and joy. When you lead yourself with grounded energy, attraction naturally follows. Confidence first, outcomes later.
Q: How can I rebuild attraction in a sexless marriage without pushing her away?
A: Stop trying to engineer attraction. Women don’t open up to pressure—they open up to presence. Be playful, self-assured, and emotionally safe. Drop resentment, show affection freely, and live your life with genuine enthusiasm. That shift from anxiety to grounded masculinity changes everything.
Q: Why doesn’t focusing on “what works” actually work in relationships?
A: Because relationships aren’t systems to fix—they’re living, emotional experiences. Trying to “solve” your wife like a math problem kills connection. What works is who you become: emotionally secure, steady, and free from outcome dependence. That’s what reawakens intimacy and respect.
Q: What to do when I feel rejected and frustrated in my marriage?
A: Remember—those feelings aren’t created by her. They come from your own insecure thinking and disconnection from your natural strength. Reconnecting with your masculine self brings back calm, confidence, and clarity. That’s when she starts to feel you again, not your desperation.
Author 
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More related articles for you:
Handling Your Wife’s Emotions With ConfidenceWife Wants A Divorce? How To Save Your Family
At Work You’re Loved, At Home You’re Called Manchild
How to Respond to Your Wife’s Criticizing as a Powerful, Confident Man
Just Heard I Love You But I’m Not In Love With You? Is There Hope?
