How to Not Drown and Die in Your Marriage…STOP STRUGGLING!
First, thanks to Leon in our private Facebook group for posting this in the group. It’s a perfect metaphor for men who are always “struggling” to stay alive in their marriage.
The key word is “struggle”. Stop it. Or you’ll die.
If you really want a happier, healthier marriage, you must learn how to relax and get back to the basics. No more drama. No more confusion. No more panic.
All you need is calm mindset and a smooth, measured and repeatable plan to keep love alive.
First, the background story.
Navy SEALs are the most elite warriors on Earth.
Here’s one thing they are taught early on…The Backwards Law (how to get what you want by letting go):
In NAVY SEALs training, there’s a thing called Drown Proofing.
The instructors tie your hands and feet…And throw you into a 9 feet pool.
The objective is to survive for 5 minutes.
Some panic and need to get lifted out. There has even been some who’ve died.
But many pass, because they know the two secrets behind the test:
The first – the more you try to keep your head above the water, the more likely you are to sink. With both your hands and feet tied, it’s impossible to keep yourself afloat for 5 minutes.
The second – the more you panic, the more oxygen you burn.
The paradox is brutal:
The more you try to live, the less likely you are to stay alive. What you want do is completely relax…and let yourself sink.
The simple, smooth plan to stay alive is too easy.
When you reach the bottom, kick yourself back up to catch air. Repeat.
This story perfectly summarizes the backwards law.
The Backwards Law: When more effort means less reward.
How The Backwards Law Applies to You
When a man stops struggling, he must learn how to stop doing these things that waste time, energy and oxygen. These are the things that create feelings of frustration, anger, resentment and chronic disconnection.
- Being judgmental about everything and assuming the worst
- Thinking negative thoughts and projecting bad intentions
- Arguing about the stupidest shit in the world
- Acting superior, self-righteous and entitled
- Talking, analyzing and interrogating endlessly
- Too much drinkin’, piss poor eatin’ and real crappy sleepin’
All of that takes a LOT OF EFFORT!
The more effort you make doing that stuff, the more you’ll feel like you’re drowning.
Now here’s the list you need to make all this more simple, more smooth and much more satisfying.
- Be more calm, consistent and KIND with every damn thing you think and say. (we learned this in kindergarten)
- Shut the f*ck up when you know what’s about to come out sounds like a complaint, a criticism, or an excuse.
- Listen without formulating a counter-attack. Listen for understanding…not for self-defense.
- Breathe deeply 10 times when your thinking feels like monkeys screaming and throwing poop. (yeah, I know all about it)
- Take care of yourself and start better habits with your health, your fitness, your diet and social network. (find positive, mature men to hang out with!)
Do you want help in making this a whole new way of being?
Do you want to stop panicking and permanently change the way you show up in your life?
That’s what I wanted when I was in your shoes, brother.
Below are some options for you to get started right away…
Free: If you’re serious about building your masculine mojo then apply for a coaching call with us we will help you identify what to focus on and what to avoid to get you feeling confident again.
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- We take YOU and your struggles seriously…because we’ve been there
- We know living in a sexless marriage is serious…and so is showing your kids what a healthy affectionate relationship looks like
- A lack of intimacy of all kinds is serious now and for the long term health of your marriage
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- We seriously show up 110% to our conversations with you and expect you to be as serious as we are about changing your life
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As Teddy Roosevelt said:
“In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing.”
Q: Why does trying harder in my marriage seem to make things worse?
A: Because effort born from fear feels like control, not love. The more you chase, fix, or overanalyze, the more you push connection away. Relax. Lead calmly. The Backwards Law says you get what you want by letting go of trying to force it.
Q: What is the Backwards Law, and how does it apply to marriage?
A: The Backwards Law means that the harder you fight to stay afloat, the faster you sink. In relationships, that looks like chasing validation or trying to manage your wife’s moods. Calm presence — not control — keeps the marriage breathing.
Q: How do I stop feeling like I’m drowning in my relationship?
A: Start by stopping. Slow down. Breathe. Drop the drama. The goal isn’t to swim harder — it’s to sink, find your footing, and rise calmly. You can’t think clearly when you’re panicking. Peace starts when you stop trying to fix everything.
Q: What are some signs I’m struggling too much in my marriage?
A: You’re overthinking, overexplaining, and overreacting. You feel tight in your chest and restless in your mind. That’s emotional exhaustion disguised as effort. When your energy feels heavy, it’s a cue to pause, breathe, and come back to calm leadership.
Q: How do I rebuild connection with my wife without chasing her?
A: By embodying steadiness. Be consistent, kind, and quiet when needed. Listen without defending. Speak without criticizing. She doesn’t need you to chase — she needs to feel your grounded presence again. Calm is the new sexy.
Q: How do I stay calm when everything feels out of control?
A: Control your controllables: your breath, your words, your habits. Get your body strong and your mind clear. Let go of outcomes. When you relax your grip on what you can’t control, your confidence returns — and with it, your connection.
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