How To Make Marriage Counselling Effective (& Avoid Making Things Worse)
Every relationship “expert” in the world thinks they have the secret sauce for making a happy, sexual relationship.
I think the truth is, that the “recipe” is pretty complex.
It’s full of ingredients that need to be measured and added in the right sequence. And timing is crucial because if you do the right thing at the wrong time everything goes haywire.
Then multiply this complexity by TWO.
Two people. Two sets of childhood baggage and insecurity. Two sets of expectations. Two perspectives on the world, marriage, money, parenting and sex.
Then there are the two unique ways of communicating and expressing fear, sadness, hurt and disappointment.
And then there’s the litany of “fix your marriage” tools you learn in counseling which sound like an endless list of “try this and try that”.
But the tools can’t work if you’re not mentally and emotionally prepared to use them.
It feels like you’re throwing darts just to see what sticks. You never seem to be on the same page.
It’s exhausting and frustrating. Resentment builds by the minute.
The reason we coach only men is because we believe:
There is no such thing as a happy, healthy, secure, stable and sexual relationship without a happy, healthy, stable and secure man at the helm.
In every marriage more than a week old there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find and continue to find grounds for marriage.
~ Robert Anderson
I like quotes like this because they challenge our thinking. They remind us that each person has a choice.
They challenge our mindset and our daily intention.
When you’re aware of your thinking and are deliberate with your intention your BEHAVIOR will directly follow in suit.
So…beware of your own habits of thinking and your chosen intentions. They will create patterns of behavior that will either improve your relationship or kill it.
As you know by now I like to SIMPLIFY things to help you make changes quickly and effectively.
The TWO CRUCIAL KEYS I share in this video are the beginning points of a happy, sexual relationship.
These are the most important parts of the recipe.
And they are also the HARDEST parts.
These are like preheating the oven first to the right temperature.
If you don’t get these two keys down pat there are no “tools” and no amount of communication, apology, flowers or make-up sex that will help you.
What Are You Thinking Right NOW?
The two crucial keys are:
1. What you THINK and how you think about it.
2. What you DO and how you do it.
At this very moment, what are your thoughts about yourself and your own sense of peace and personal power?
Do you THINK you’re unhappy? Do you THINK you’re angry? Do you THINK you’re a puppet on a string with no chance of escape?
And what are your thoughts about your lady?
Do you THINK she’s not attracted to you? Do you THINK she’s a mean, cold-hearted bossy pants control freak? Do you THINK she is thinking badly about you right now?
It is these very thoughts that sabotage the possibility of a happy, sexual relationship every hour of every day.
Most men in an unhappy, non-sexual marriage are in the stage of unconscious incompetence when it comes to knowing how to change their thinking.
When we are unable to take command of our THINKING we have zero control over what we are DOING.
And when we have zero control over what we’re DOING…we end up up doing a lot of really stupid shit.
To illustrate, let’s take this quote from a famous smart guy.
Let’s just THINK for a minute that for the next 14 days you’re going to run a thought experiment.
You’re going to make a conscious DAILY choice to treat your lady as if she is truly your best friend. Not a roommate but a genuine best friend.
- You KNOW she really digs you.
- You KNOW she has a high regard for you and speaks positively about you behind your back.
- You KNOW she really likes to be around you and thinks kindly of you.
Here are some more thoughts you are going to think.
- You KNOW you genuinely love and respect her.
- You KNOW you hold her in high regard even on her bad days.
- You KNOW you can give her the benefit of the doubt because you trust her.
If you could make the choice to think and believe these things for 14 days, how do you think you will BEHAVE?
Best friends treat each other really well.
They think about how the other is feeling. They pay attention when they’re talking. They offer encouragement and support without judgment or trying to fix them.
They respond to them softly…with kind eyes, measured voice and a relaxed posture.
And they don’t take anything personally because they’re best friends. They KNOW they mean well even when they have a bad day.
I can’t count how many men have done this experiment and noticed a major change in less than 48 hours!
One guy recently decided to tell his grumpy wife, I’m sorry you didn’t sleep well. You have your grumpy face on and I really love that about you.
His entire weekend changed. Yeah. Really.
That’s how friends THINK about and treat each other.
What you THINK drives what you SAY and what you DO.
And if you want to create a happy, sexual marriage you MUST preheat the freaking oven first.
And you do that with your THINKING.
There’s a problem with the above challenge, I know.
We often hear men say, I totally get what you’re saying intellectually, but why is it so hard to be consistent? How do I deal with the stomach knots and daily resentment?!
Very good question, isn’t it?
The answer is that you must devote yourself to becoming a massively secure, mature and confident man.
When we say, “focus on working on yourself”, it is THIS we are talking about.
We have an extremely effective and proven process for helping you achieve that “Mountain Lion” level of inner peace, emotional security and spiritual confidence required to start taking command of your thinking.
And when you do this, you realize what you’ve been missing all along has been inside you.
This is how one guy put it.
My wife has seen an immediate change in my attitude and outlook while she has struggled to make progress of her own. She has even made the statement that “I want to be where you are and want to find something that I can connect with and that will make me a better person.” ~ Matt H.
You can always keep watching our videos and reading our articles, chipping away at the problem, but if you want to move things forward quickly, we’d love to help you speed up the process:
Free: If you’re serious about building your masculine mojo then apply for a coaching call with us we will help you identify what to focus on and what to avoid to get you feeling confident again.
What do I mean by “SERIOUS”?
- We take YOU and your struggles seriously…because we’ve been there
- We know living in a sexless marriage is serious…and so is showing your kids what a healthy affectionate relationship looks like
- A lack of intimacy of all kinds is serious now and for the long term health of your marriage
- We believe your personal emotional strength and well-being is serious
- We seriously show up 110% to our conversations with you and expect you to be as serious as we are about changing your life
Free Guide: Where You Should Focus To Grow Your Masculinity
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$397 One-Time Payment: How to Defuse the Divorce Bomb is a self-paced course with me, Tim Wade, and a community of men learning how to lead when you’ve just heard, “I love you but I’m not in love with you” or “I want to separate or divorce.”
As Teddy Roosevelt said:
“In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing.”
Q: Why does my marriage feel so complicated and stuck?
A: Because two people with different fears, habits, and communication styles are trying to use “tools” without the right mindset. A relationship only works when one person—usually the man—takes responsibility for his thinking, energy, and actions first. That’s when everything starts to simplify.
Q: What are the two keys to rebuilding intimacy and connection?
A: First, what you think. Second, what you do. Your thoughts shape your energy and behavior every day. If you think with frustration, you’ll act with tension. But if you think with calm leadership and respect, your behavior naturally becomes more attractive and trustworthy.
Q: How do my thoughts affect my marriage?
A: Your thinking creates your emotional tone. Negative thoughts make you defensive, cold, or withdrawn. Positive, grounded thoughts make you relaxed, playful, and present. A woman feels your vibe long before she hears your words. Change your thinking, and you’ll change her experience of you.
Q: Why is it so hard to stay consistent once I understand all this?
A: Because intellectual understanding isn’t enough—you need emotional mastery. Until you build inner peace and self-respect, your reactions will still run the show. When you become secure, mature, and calm on the inside, consistency stops being effort—it becomes who you are.
Q: Can I really rebuild attraction if we’ve been distant for years?
A: Absolutely—but not by chasing her. Rebuild attraction by becoming her best friend again. Think of her with respect, give her the benefit of the doubt, and stay grounded in your own calm energy. Desire grows in safety, not pressure.
Q: What’s the first thing I should change if I feel hopeless in my marriage?
A: Start with your mindset. Stop waiting for her to change. Preheat your own oven—your confidence, your peace, your clarity. When you start leading your energy and thoughts, you stop reacting like a victim and start creating connection again.
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Have questions about your relationship?
Apply for a free, no strings, 90 minute deep dive personalized coaching session to help you identify what to focus on and what to avoid to get you moving toward the future you want. We offer a unique form of Men’s Coaching and we attract smart guys who see through surface level hype and bravado. We hide nothing and hold nothing back. We know that everything you want is behind your fear and skepticism…just like it was for us.
More related articles for you:
Should You Stay Or Leave Your Marriage?Men Only: How Your “Dadly Gifts” Can Improve Trust and Respect
Learn Wife Whispering To Lead Your Marriage Back To Intimacy
The Secret Cure For The Chronically Unhappy Husband
Attracting Your Wife Back – How You Handle Difficult Conversations
