How To Be A More Trustable Husband During Times Of Stress
A trustable husband is relaxed. He’s calm. He moves with slow intention. The paradox is, he gets more done by facing demands with smooth, deliberate, calm intention.
Yesterday afternoon I was pushing myself to finally finish the metal roofing on the new She Shed/He Shed.
I knew I still had to do my weekend video and newsletter and I was worried about my waning energy level.
Trying not to fall off a slippery metal roof apparently takes a lot of muscle groups!
So there I was…finally back in the house feeding dogs, horses and then myself. I stared at the computer thinking “I MUST get that video and article done!”
I’ve made this commitment for years and I wasn’t going to fail now – I’m still trying to prove to myself that I’m not a slacker and I follow through on my word.
Then I fell asleep!
When I woke up a few minutes later I said, “Dude, you’re pushing too hard. Make the video in the morning. Do it at sunrise. Go to bed. Nobody will hate you.”
Then seeing the sunrise this morning suddenly gave me all the energy, enthusiasm and desire I needed to shoot my video.
Other articles you may find helpful:
5 Secrets You Need to Understand to Save Your MarriageWhen It’s NOT Okay to Just Be Yourself With Women
The topic became crystal clear.
I’ve always loved the counter-intuitive phrase…
Sometimes you must slow down in order to speed up..
This morning I knew exactly what slowing down meant.
So with my wrinkly morning face I just made this article and video about why we men suck at relaxing.
Men…Anxiety…and Why We Suck at Relaxing!
“To be fast, smooth you must be. To be smooth, slow one must go.” ~ Yoda
If you’re anything like me, you deal with the problems with a…let’s say “enthusiastic” energy.
That’s a positive spin on energy driven by an urgent, impatient need to address every little annoyance (fly buzzing in the room)…every little demand (bills must be paid)…and every little discomfort (my wife is unhappy and wants to separate).
Yeah, you didn’t see that last one coming, did you?
It’s all the same with us men.
Our Anxiety To Be A More Trustable Husband Is Driven By The Myth That DOING SOMETHING Is Better Than Doing Nothing
The need to kill the fly…pay the bills…and FIX my wife/marriage NOW…increases your anxiety – AND hers!!
The way we do one thing is often the way we do most things.
So this old saying, “Slow down to speed up” is intriguing. The premise is that slow is smooth and smooth is fast.
If you’re anything like me – “a doer” – you just DO! Especially with work.
You got project milestones, you’ve got goals, you’ve got elements on a critical path, you’ve got things you need to get done on your list…
Why am I telling you this? Because being such a good “doer” creates a sense of urgency, a sense of impatience, a tension in your body.
Just now, while I was waiting for the sun to rise so I could record my video, I was buzzing around picking things up and sweeping – I couldn’t sit still – I couldn’t just watch the sun rise slowly.
This is an important thing to recognize as part of my personality. What about you?
There’s a huge difference between DOING and BEING.
I am trying to learn every day to be a little more patient, be a little more calm, be a little kinder to myself, be a little bit more compassionate to myself, and to others.
If you can’t be compassionate, and calm and considerate to yourself, it’s nearly impossible to be compassionate, and calm and considerate to other people (especially distant or stressed out wives).
So this is the message for YOU today.
I want you to find a friend, find a brother, a relative, a co-worker…call somebody…slow down.
Have a cup of coffee, have a beer, do something to take care of yourself.
Take a moment to take care of your friendships with with the men who are important to you.
Do it with your lover, do it with your wife, do it with your kids too.
Slow down to speed up.
When you’re feeling urgent, when you’re feeling anxious, when you’re feeling scared (especially in the face of a marriage that’s having trouble, an argument with your wife or a pending separation or divorce), I know you desperately want to keep doing, doing, doing.
It’s Like you HAVE TO do something to fix it right now!
I want you to slow down.
I want you to take a big deep breath.
I want you to realize the value of connecting with other people and slowing down.
There is always another sunrise.
So slow down and trust that tomorrow’s another day.
Just be who you want to be today.
Slow down, take care of yourself, be compassionate, and notice how this enables you to give these things to other people too.
So I want to challenge you to run an experiment for the next 7 days.
Try slowing down to speed up. Every day in every way.
No matter what is demanding your urgent attention I want you to step back. Listen. Watch yourself as you relax into doing NOTHING in the moment.
The world (and everyone in your life) has become accustomed to you DOING, FIXING, REACTING, SOLVING every time you feel a threat to your well-being or a demand for your attention.
Watch how THEY CHANGE when YOU CHANGE!
You can be a more efficient, effective, RELAXED, productive and trustable husband when you SLOW DOWN in the face of stress and anxiety.
Email me with your observations or questions.
And if you are in a place where you’re ready to slow down and have one of the most productive, trusting 90-minute conversations with another man just like you, submit the contact form. Fill it out completely for us and for yourself.
Either I or one of my certified coaches will reply quickly to set up a free, no strings conversation to help you slow down and refocus on what is really important.
Some ways for you to learn how to slow down to speed up are:
The Men’s Live Coaching Roundtable . A powerful collection of men from around the world working together to transform themselves and their relationships.
The How to Defuse the Divorce Bomb Course. A deep and intense dive into handling yourself when you hear, “I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore.”
Q: Why do I feel so anxious and unable to relax, especially when my marriage feels threatened?
A: Because you’ve trained yourself to believe DOING is safety. When there’s a fight, separation, or divorce talk, your nervous system screams “Fix it now!” That urgency makes you tense, reactive, and less trustable. A calm, relaxed husband is created by slowing down, breathing, and responding—not scrambling.
Q: How does “slow down to speed up” make me a more trustable husband?
A: When you slow down, your energy becomes smooth instead of frantic. You listen better, think clearer, and choose your words with intention. That calm, steady presence helps your wife feel emotionally safe. A trustable husband is relaxed, grounded, and deliberate—not rushed, edgy, or constantly fixing.
Q: What’s the difference between DOING and BEING in my relationship?
A: DOING is knocking out tasks, solving problems, reacting to every demand. BEING is who you are while you do it—calm, kind, compassionate, present. Your wife doesn’t just feel what you do; she feels how you do it. Shifting from anxious doing to relaxed being changes the whole vibe at home.
Q: How can I slow down when I feel urgent to fix my marriage right now?
A: Start with one breath. Literally. Pause before you text, call, or explain yourself. Go for a walk, have coffee with a friend, sit through the discomfort without reacting. When you stop reacting to every emotional threat, you become more efficient, effective, and emotionally safe to be around.
Q: Why is relaxing and taking care of myself so important when my marriage is in trouble?
A: Because you can’t lead from exhaustion and panic. When you’re kind, calm, and compassionate with yourself, you naturally become kinder, calmer, and more compassionate with your wife and kids. Self-care isn’t selfish—it’s how you create the relaxed, trustable husband energy that changes how everyone responds to you.
Q: What simple experiment can I run this week to become more relaxed and trustable?
A: For 7 days, “slow down to speed up.” Any time you feel urgency—an argument, a demand, a stress spike—step back, breathe, and do nothing for a moment. Notice how your body softens and how people around you react differently when you stop frantically fixing and start calmly leading.
Author 
Have questions about your relationship?
Apply for a free, no strings, 90 minute deep dive personalized coaching session to help you identify what to focus on and what to avoid to get you moving toward the future you want. We offer a unique form of Men’s Coaching and we attract smart guys who see through surface level hype and bravado. We hide nothing and hold nothing back. We know that everything you want is behind your fear and skepticism…just like it was for us.
