How To Avoid Arguments In Your Marriage With This Wizard Of Oz Trick
Dorothy pulled the curtain back and found the truth. Can you be that brave in your relationship?
Do you remember that scene in the Wizard of Oz when Dorothy pulls back the curtain on the all-powerful and scary Wizard?
“I think you are a very bad man,” said Dorothy.
“No, you are all wrong,” said the little man meekly. “I have been making believe.”
“Making believe!” cried Dorothy. “Are you not a Great Wizard?”
“Hush, my dear,” he said. “Don’t speak so loud, or you will be overheard–and I should be ruined. I’m supposed to be a Great Wizard.”
“And aren’t you?” she asked.
“Not a bit of it, my dear; I’m just a common man.”
This is where she discovers the truth about all of his hot air and intimidation tactics.
He’s a scared little man. Not all that bad really. Actually quite sweet and helpful.
Now that we see who he really is it’s funny to think how frightened everyone was by his silly tricks. The Scarecrow almost fell apart and the Lion almost crapped his pants.
Have you ever felt the same way in front of your wife or husband?
Intimidated? Over powered? Scared? Angry?
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This trick sounds very simple, but’s it takes practice.
You must be feeling strong and you must be brave.
Someday very soon your partner is going to do or say something that will trigger you. It will make you want to defend yourself or fight back with a vengeance. You may want to run for the hills to avoid the situation.
Do this instead.
Assume at that very moment behind their curtain is a very young, frightened girl or boy. Then, right in the middle of your triggered emotions, lean in toward them and take a peek inside the curtain.
Do you see their little face flushed with anger and contorted with fear?
Notice their dirty little hands and ratty jeans and untied shoes.
Look inside their eyes for the tears of frustration about to burst out all over their red, puffy cheeks.
Why should you do this?
Because what you see is the truth. Because your partner needs you to know about their scared inner child and not be intimidated by him/her.
Every damn one of us has got that kid lurking just beneath the surface. And he/she is very good at acting all grown up, logical, self-righteous and intimidating.
Don’t buy it. It’s all an act.
He is a common man and she is a common woman.
What to do With This Information
If you’ve made it this far and you’re still with me, the rest is easy.
What does every single scared, upset and angry kid need?
They need to feel the safety of your unrattled presence.
They need to feel the comfort of your calm, curious attention.
They need to feel the rock-solid assurance of your love.
Simple. That’s all you need know about the Wizard of Oz trick. It’s as simple as showing empathy and compassion for another person’s fear and insecurity.
You must start with the assumption they mean you no harm.
It only takes one partner to do this to get the ball rolling.
This one trick can keep you from getting sucked into arguments and cycles of accusation and blame.
Do it tomorrow. Then do it again the next day. And the day after that.
Only two things will bring change to your relationship – something new will come into it or something new will come out of you.
And you’ve only got control over one of those.
I wrote a free e-book to help men learn how to lose their fear and be more bold in their marriage to create the love and connection they want. Get The Hard to Swallow Truth About Saving Your Marriage.
If you want to learn more about how to take a bigger step toward being a clear-headed, confident man of action, then find out more here. I would be thrilled to help you get there – our first discovery call is always free and always gives you a BIG boost of confidence.
You WILL become a clearer, stronger, more confident man only through other men. Your woman cannot take you there – and she doesn’t WANT to…trust me on that.
Photo Bettina Strenske/Flickr
Q: Why do I feel intimidated or overpowered by my spouse during arguments?
A: Because you’re reacting to the mask, not the human behind it. When someone gets loud, cold, controlling, defensive, or dramatic, it can look like strength—but it’s usually fear in disguise. Most partners are not trying to hurt you; they’re trying to protect their own scared inner child. When you forget that, their reactions feel bigger than they really are.
Q: How can I stay calm when my partner’s emotions trigger me instantly?
A: Practice the Wizard of Oz trick: imagine a frightened little kid behind the curtain of their behavior. When you see the child behind the adult reaction, something powerful happens—you stop taking it personally. Your nervous system relaxes. You become the steady presence they wish they could be in that moment.
Q: Why does seeing my partner upset make me defensive, angry, or afraid?
A: Because your own scared inner child gets activated. When you feel attacked or accused, your brain interprets it as danger. But the danger isn’t real—it’s emotional residue from past experiences. When you learn to separate your triggered emotions from the present moment, you respond like a grounded adult instead of a scared kid.
Q: What is the most effective way to defuse arguments before they spiral?
A: Don’t match their energy. Don’t escalate. Don’t defend.
Just look behind the curtain.
Offer calmness, curiosity, and compassion. Most fights aren’t about the words—they’re about two scared kids trying desperately to feel safe. When you stop the cycle, the argument collapses almost instantly.
Q: Is showing empathy during conflict the same as letting my partner walk all over me?
A: Not at all. Empathy is not weakness—it’s leadership. You don’t lose power by staying calm. You gain it. Being unshaken in the presence of someone else’s fear or anger is one of the strongest masculine qualities you can bring to a relationship. It creates safety, trust, and connection.
Q: Can one partner really change the dynamic of the entire relationship?
A: Yes—because emotional patterns are contagious. When one person changes their energy, the other is forced to respond differently. You can’t control what comes into the relationship, but you have absolute power over what comes out of you. And often, that’s all it takes to shift the entire trajectory.
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