How Men Accidentally Damage The Intimacy In Their Marriages
One way to get unconditional love and affection and to be given god-like status is to pay for it.
There are women who make a very good living of it. They will forgive you all of your misgivings, ignore all of your bad habits and will give you everything you want without argument or hesitation.
And, hey, I don’t judge you if you go that route. Another way to get unconditional love is to get a dog. They too are incredibly devoted and forgiving. As a predator, they don’t operate from fear, distrust and suspicion.
But the women in your real relationships are different, aren’t they? If you want a real relationship with a woman, there’s more work to do. If you want easy affection, natural attraction and intimate connection…you have to be more mindful of WHO you are being and HOW you are being.
Women seem to have this unspoken sensitivity to who we are being and how we are treating them. They sometimes claim we can “make them feel” things and go so far as to believe that we can “make them happy”.
I don’t believe anyone has the power to “make” someone else happy. Happiness always has been and always will be an “inside job”.
However, I do believe that two people in a relationship can DEFINITELY create an environment that is either ripe for love and affection -OR- an environment that is ripe for fear, distrust and suspicion.
As you know, I teach men their part in being MINDFUL and AWARE of how they are BEING as a man.
I emphasize that being who you want to be on YOUR terms – according to YOUR standards is your top priority.
Why? Because if the only reason you choose to become mindful and aware of how you are being is to be loved…you’re pretty much screwed in life.
You’ll be operating from insecurity and fear. You will feel desperate, needy and constantly on the look-out for respect and approval from others.
You will never feel more at peace (and have LESS DRAMA) as when you develop a crystal clear sense of self-confidence and learn to approve of your own bad self.
Watch this video for more details.
How do I earn love and affection?
The only way to earn love and affection with a woman is to CONSISTENTLY operate in a way she can trust and feel drawn to.
Love and affection are born from an environment of emotional safety and attraction to how you are being.
You are the Master and Commander of who you are being. You get to make the rules. You get to set the tone and defend the standards of how you want to show up.
In the video, I give you 3 things to be mindful of:
1. Outward expressions of anger
2. Inward expressions of anger
3. Defensiveness
These 3 things are the FIRST level of mindfulness I recommend if you want to create a safer, more affectionate environment.
It takes awareness of HOW you are being and an intentional effort to change.
You have to want to change for YOU and you alone. Even if you were stranded on an island, you have to want to live in the skin of a man YOU are proud of.
And you’ll feel better. When we’re honest, we will admit that feeling angry, afraid and defensive is a crappy way to live.
I want you to want more for yourself.
And when you do this work for yourself, it immediately starts changing the environment in your relationship.
That’s when the good stuff finally happens.
Here are some ways you can get started today…
Free: If you’re serious about building your masculine mojo then apply for a coaching call with us we will help you identify what to focus on and what to avoid to get you feeling confident again.
What do I mean by “SERIOUS”?
- We take YOU and your struggles seriously…because we’ve been there
- We know living in a sexless marriage is serious…and so is showing your kids what a healthy affectionate relationship looks like
- A lack of intimacy of all kinds is serious now and for the long term health of your marriage
- We believe your personal emotional strength and well-being is serious
- We seriously show up 110% to our conversations with you and expect you to be as serious as we are about changing your life
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As Teddy Roosevelt said:
“In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing.”
Q: How do I earn love and affection from my wife again?
A: You can’t “earn” love through effort or strategy. You create the conditions where love naturally grows — by being calm, trustworthy, and consistent. When she feels emotionally safe around you, affection returns. When she senses desperation, it disappears.
Q: Why does my wife seem affectionate with others but cold with me?
A: Because people can feel energy. If you’re living from fear, resentment, or insecurity, your presence feels heavy. When you become grounded, playful, and self-assured again, she relaxes. The version of you she’s drawn to isn’t chasing her — he’s leading himself.
Q: What’s the difference between wanting love and needing love?
A: Wanting love comes from fullness — it’s an open invitation. Needing love comes from emptiness — it’s a demand. When you live from your values and self-respect, love becomes a choice, not a survival need. That’s when attraction and ease return.
Q: How can I create more emotional safety in my relationship?
A: By managing your own emotions first. Control your outward anger, soften your inward frustration, and drop defensiveness. When she knows your reactions are stable, she starts to relax. Safety isn’t created by words — it’s built by presence.
Q: Why does anger or defensiveness kill attraction?
A: Because those reactions come from fear. A defensive man communicates, “I can’t handle you.” But a centered man communicates, “I’ve got us.” When you stop fighting to be right and start standing in calm strength, desire quietly starts to return.
Q: How do I stop being so dependent on my wife’s approval?
A: Rebuild your relationship with yourself. Start making decisions that reflect your values, not her moods. Take care of your body, your interests, and your mission. The more you respect yourself, the less you need validation — and ironically, the more attractive you become.
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