How Can I Be More Confident In My Marriage?
There’s a very special trait many of the men in our “tribe” have in common and it drives them absolutely crazy.
What is it?
It’s the feeling of LOST CONFIDENCE.
Have you ever felt this? This is what it sounds like:
“I used to be so self-assured. Back in college and when I first met my wife I felt like I had it all figured out. Nobody could knock me off emotional balance and I felt strong. I was in control of my life and felt like I had everything I needed to stay that way. But…not anymore. My wife/girlfriend can knock me backwards with just a look and I can feel the eggshells cracking under my feet. And this sucks.”
What happened?
In my humble (but accurate) opinion these men never actually had the kind of confidence needed to be effective in a romantic relationship. They only thought they did.
This was my experience as well.
With a killer work ethic in school and solid athletic skills I quickly became a natural leader and pretty popular guy. I was curious and learned how to fix stuff and build stuff. I made friends easily because I knew how to make people like me. (that’s a red flag I talk about in the video)
Being the captain of any team I joined became my normal. My friend and colleague, Dan Dore, recently said the same thing about his experience which prompted me to write this article.
Other articles you may find helpful:
How to Create an Intimate Connection with Your Wife – by Dan DoreIs This Why Your Wife Resists Your Invitations To Connect?
There was nothing to fear because nobody could hurt me. I had the keys to the kingdom and felt bullet-proof.
But here’s the problem.
Rock star confidence like that is sustainable only in the context of the place where you developed it. It’s in the context of where your skills and knowledge counted.
While it’s initially quite attractive, it is virtually useless in the context of a committed, romantic, sexual relationship with a woman.
Why?
Because she is much less concerned about what you know and what you can do than she is about WHO YOU ARE.
And THAT is where most of us get tripped up.
We haven’t quite figured that one out yet. And it normally takes a major emotional event to shake us up enough to see it.
More in the video about that.
“He who has overcome his fears will truly be free” ~ Aristotle
In coaching we talk a LOT about fear.
It’s complicated because most people think they know what their fears are. If I ask a guy who has lost his confidence in his marriage what he’s afraid of he will normally say, “I’m afraid of her reaction – afraid of making her mad.”
But that’s not what he’s really afraid of. So I ask, “Why are you afraid of making her mad.”
And he’ll say, “I hate it when we argue because whenever there is conflict she shuts down and won’t talk to me.”
But that’s not what he’s really afraid of. So I ask, “Why are you afraid of her shutting down and not talking to you?”
You already see where this is going, don’t you? I have to ask him about 5 more times WHY he is afraid before the fear behind the fear behind the fear behind the fear comes out.
“I’m afraid I will lose everything and be a complete failure as a husband which will prove that I’m neither good enough nor strong enough nor lovable enough to hold this marriage together!”
Of course that last conclusion is utter bullshit. But it’s very, very potent bullshit.
Stinkin’ thinkin’. False beliefs.
It’s the voice of the little boy.
It’s the obvious conclusion made by an insecure and immature mind…even if that mind is in the body of a 50-year-old. (I raise my hand on that one.)
No matter how confident, secure and mature we think we are, a relationship with a woman has the power to shed light on and MAGNIFY all the parts of our masculine mojo that never quite grew up.
And THIS is why Goodguys2Greatmen was born.
I first needed to heal myself.
And THEN I set out to help others. Oddly, I decided to coach what I most needed to heal. Fancy that. I’m still work in progress.
We discovered the path to true confidence and authentic “mountain lion mojo” isn’t about what we know or what we do. It’s about who we are.
You may think we do “confidence coaching” but the truth is we help men crush their stinkin’ thinking and shed their insecurity in ways that liberate them to live, laugh, love and connect with the world in ways they never thought possible.
My colleagues Dan Dore and Tim Wade and the five GG2GM certified coaches around the world are focused solely on this mission. We help you quickly shed the layers of BS which are currently covering up your natural state of cool, calm, secure confidence.
And we could not be happier you’ve decided to join this tribe of men and go on the journey with us!
Want to go farther, faster?
The Men’s Live Coaching Roundtable is a powerful collection of men from around the world working together to transform themselves and their relationships. Dan Dore and I lead this community with 5 other professional coaches. We have live coaching video calls twice per month. The camaraderie in this group is something missing from the lives of too many men in the world.
Our online course How to Defuse the Divorce Bomb is a deep and intense dive into handling yourself when you hear, “I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore.” Tim Wade and I host monthly live Q&A calls with all the students in this course which includes many other bonuses as well. Find out more here.
We love teaching men these tools – how to be better, how to know who you are, what you stand for, what you want and how to CREATE it in your life through our Masculine Confidence coaching programs.
What if this next year everything changed for you?
That’s what we want for you brother.
My new book Straight Talk Tools for the Desperate Husband will help you to lead yourself and your relationship back to good health. Understand why your partner acts the way she does toward you and learn how to lead your life in the direction you want it to go. You CAN have the relationship you want, fulfilling all your desires while maintaining love and respect.
I wrote a free e-book to help men learn how to lose their fear and be more bold in their marriage to create the love and connection they want. Get The Hard to Swallow Truth About Saving Your Marriage.
Q: Why did I lose my confidence in my marriage even though I used to feel strong and unshakeable?
A: Because the confidence you had back in college wasn’t the kind of confidence a relationship requires. It was competency-based confidence — built on skills, achievements, and likability. Romantic confidence demands something deeper: knowing WHO YOU ARE. When insecurity shows up, that old “rock star confidence” breaks down fast.
Q: Why does my wife’s reaction affect me so much when nothing else in life does?
A: Because intimate relationships expose the parts of your masculine mojo that never fully grew up. She’s not knocking you over — your fear behind the fear is. The little-boy mind interprets conflict as rejection, abandonment, or failure. That’s the stinkin’ thinking we help men uproot for good.
Q: How do I figure out what I’m really afraid of in my relationship?
A: You ask “why” until you hit the truth. Most men say they fear her reaction… but five layers deeper, they fear not being good enough, strong enough, or lovable enough. That false conclusion — the ultimate lie — is what destroys confidence. Seeing it clearly is how you take your power back.
Q: What’s the fastest way to rebuild my lost confidence with my wife?
A: Stop relying on old strategies — fixing, pleasing, performing, being the captain of everything. True confidence comes from emotional maturity, not competence. When you shed the BS layers of insecurity and stand firm in who you are, your mountain lion mojo returns naturally. Calm, clear, secure. Unshakeable.
Q: Why does conflict with my wife make me feel like I’m failing as a man?
A: Because conflict awakens the insecure interpretation that “If she’s upset, I’m failing.” That’s false. Her emotions aren’t scorecards. Real masculine confidence means staying grounded even when she’s triggered — not because you’re perfect, but because you know you’re still worthy, lovable, and capable regardless of her reaction.
Q: What can I do right now to start feeling like myself again?
A: Start noticing your stinkin’ thinking. Call out the lies about not being enough. Surround yourself with men who challenge your BS and help you see the bigger truth. Confidence returns when you know who you are and stop handing your emotional safety over to her reactions.
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Have questions about your relationship?
Apply for a free, no strings, 90 minute deep dive personalized coaching session to help you identify what to focus on and what to avoid to get you moving toward the future you want. We offer a unique form of Men’s Coaching and we attract smart guys who see through surface level hype and bravado. We hide nothing and hold nothing back. We know that everything you want is behind your fear and skepticism…just like it was for us.
