Defensiveness A leading Cause Of Divorce
I’m about to give you four ways to instantly have a better weekend. I’ll also talk in the video further down how defensiveness is one of the “four horsemen” indicating the end of a relationship. Everything changes when you realize how to take your power back in a healthy mature way.
It’s Not All About You
One of the most uncomfortable ways to go through life and relationship is to BELIEVE EVERTHING IS ABOUT YOU.
This leads us to believe everything that happens outside of us is personal.
And THAT leads us to believe that we need to defend ourselves.
We must strike back.
We must defend our honor and get even!
Defensiveness In Relationships Compared To Driving
I’m a…ummm…”assertive” driver.
I drive a bit faster than most. I anticipate slow drivers, change lanes and make quick decisions. And when I’m in an anxious state of mind and I can downright childish. (anybody relate?)
The late comedian, George Carlin, brought my attention to this issue with this epic quote.
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
I suppose all that leaves on the highway is me. Hmmm…
Other articles you may find helpful:
How Stop Walking On Eggshells Around Your WifeHow to BE the Happy, Confident Man She Fell In Love With
Driving is the best place for me to practice the art of not giving a flip about what is happening outside of my own vehicle.
The only possible way somebody else’s driving habits can make me anxious, angry or judgmental is if I believe their behaviors are somehow about me.
The most empowering, effective and attractive mindset a man can have in his life and relationship is the realization that nothing outside of him is in charge of his inside.
And when it comes to topic of a happy, loving, intimate relationship, this ONE THING can immediately change your weekend.
4 Steps to a Better Weekend
- Decide that nothing is personal
- Pause yourself, listen and stay in your lane
- Refuse to counter-attack and defend yourself
- Assume the best in the other driver (you know…her)
In this video I talk about WHY DIVORCE IS SO PREDICTABLE in a relationship plagued by defensiveness.
(I spent 2 hours trying to make this video right side up…really. Guess you’ll have to turn your device upside down)
She Can’t Trust A Defensive Man
Guys always ask this question.
“Why is it so much easier for me to stay grounded, confident and secure with everyone else but my wife?!”
When we drill down to the very bottom of the issue, he decides that she has a very special power…a power nobody has over him.
And that is the power to hurt him.
It’s not physical harm.
It’s emotional harm. It’s the hurt of rejection. The hurt of abandonment. And the hurt of being a failure.
It’s the worst kind of hurt for many of us. It makes us over-reactive and defensive.
And we handed her that power early in the relationship…and she knows it.
She doesn’t WANT to use it. She doesn’t want it…period.
But when she sees our fearful and angry reactions to her, she knows.
And when she sees that insecurity rearing it’s ugly head again and again, her ability to trust and feel safe begins to dwindle.
More related articles for you:
How to Be a Naturally Confident and Attractive ManDo You Have This Annoying Unattractive Habit?
Your Challenge Is Learning How To Take Your Power Back
This is the power of self-assurance, self-approval and self-respect.
You can drop defensiveness when you stop taking things personally and assume the best of others. Having quality men in your life is important. They can challenge you to stay in your own emotional lane of calm, relaxed self-validation.
Are you ready to face the challenge?
Let’s do it together.
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Q: Why do I get so defensive with my wife when I’m calm with everyone else?
A: Because you’ve secretly given her the power to define your worth. Her criticism feels like rejection or abandonment, so you react. Defensiveness in relationships is a sign you’re taking everything personally instead of standing in self-assurance, self-approval and self-respect.
Q: How do I stop taking everything my wife says so personally?
A: Decide that nothing is personal. Her mood, tone, or bad day are not a verdict on your value. Pause, listen, stay in your lane. When you stop believing “everything is about me,” you can drop defensiveness and respond with calm strength instead of panic.
Q: What to do when I feel the urge to defend myself or counterattack in an argument?
A: Catch it in the body first—tight chest, hot face, fast words. Then apply the 4 steps: decide nothing is personal, pause and listen, stay in your lane, refuse to counter-attack. That’s how you take your power back in a healthy, mature way.
Q: Why is defensiveness such a big deal for trust and intimacy in marriage?
A: She can’t trust a defensive man. When every comment turns into “you versus me,” she stops feeling safe. Your overreactions show insecurity and fear of emotional hurt. Dropping defensiveness tells her, “You can bring me your truth; I won’t explode or collapse.”
Q: How can I have a better weekend with my wife starting right now?
A: Practice the “better weekend” rules: don’t take things personally, pause before reacting, refuse to defend or score points, and assume the best in her. That relaxed, grounded energy is attractive. It turns you from a reactive driver into a calm, confident leader.
Q: What does it actually mean to “take my power back” in my relationship?
A: It doesn’t mean dominating her. It means owning your inner world—self-assurance, self-approval, self-respect. You decide how you feel, how you respond, and what kind of man you are. When nothing outside is in charge of your inside, defensiveness fades and real intimacy can grow.
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