How to Know if You Have “Irreconcilable Differences”? (or you’re just pissed off)
Have you ever heard, thought or said things like this in your relationship?
- That’s it. I’m so done with this!
- THAT is a deal breaker!
- You’re crossing my boundaries!
- This is non-negotiable!
- We’re just TOO DIFFERENT to be able to live together
- We’ve grown apart
- We’re totally incompatible!
Those are the types of things you hear in a marriage a few months (or years) before someone finds themselves with divorce forms in their hand…holding a blue ink pen. And then they check the “Reason for Divorce” box that says:
Irreconcilable Differences.
It’s a fancy legal term that means, “I don’t fucking know, but it’s the one that feels about right.”
Are there valid differences and valid reasons for divorce?
Of course, there are. But if I was a betting man, I’d bet the overwhelming emotions that precede choosing the “Irreconcilable Differences” are:
- Anger
- Resentment
- Unhappiness
- Exhaustion
- Confusion
- Fear
And those emotions are true for BOTH people…which means they have a whole lot more in common than they thought!
Declaring that your differences are irreconcilable…or deciding that you are totally incompatible from a place of deep, dark, negative emotions is like grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Don’t trust yourself.
Slow down. Eat something. Make a list.
Yeah, I got divorced. And I can tell you precisely why I decided I didn’t wish to be married any longer. But I did the work first.
I made sure I wasn’t declaring “irreconcilable differences” from a list of all the things I DON’T WANT. I was working from a crystal clear list of what I DO WANT.
And without fear, anger or blame, I was able to make a calm, confident decision on my next steps.
I want this for you before you jump to any wrong conclusions.
I want you to have a chance to actually focus on creating what you DO WANT instead of throwing in the towel on what you DON’T WANT.
I want you to find “happy” now…instead of thinking it’s somewhere else…only to find out you were wrong.
I want you to clearly understand what are truly “irreconcilable differences” and what is “garden variety fear, insecurity and immaturity”.
Funny. There’s no box for that on the divorce form. Nobody would admit that’s really the reason they can’t be happy.
Here’s a quick video to give you a bit more insight on that.
Do you want to give yourself AND HER a chance of living with the best version of you?.
There is no shortcut. And there is no faking it.
The work we do with men totally rewires their thinking and their emotional strength to become clear, confident and happy in their life and relationship.
How about I offer you a menu of options you have to ask for help? I want to see you take charge.
And I want to see the lightbulb moment you have when this shit really starts to click with you.
Free: If you’re serious about building your masculine mojo then apply for a coaching call with us we will help you identify what to focus on and what to avoid to get you feeling confident again.
What do I mean by “SERIOUS”?
- We take YOU and your struggles seriously…because we’ve been there
- We know living in a sexless marriage is serious…and so is showing your kids what a healthy affectionate relationship looks like
- A lack of intimacy of all kinds is serious now and for the long term health of your marriage
- We believe your personal emotional strength and well-being is serious
- We seriously show up 110% to our conversations with you and expect you to be as serious as we are about changing your life
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As Teddy Roosevelt said:
“In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing.”
Q: How do I know if our differences are truly “irreconcilable” or just emotional exhaustion talking?
A: When emotions like anger, resentment, or confusion are running high, your mind can convince you that you’re “incompatible.” Slow down. Don’t trust decisions made in survival mode. Take time to calm your nervous system, clarify what you do want, and act from grounded confidence—not emotional hunger.
Q: Why do so many marriages end over “irreconcilable differences”?
A: Because “irreconcilable differences” is often code for “we were both too tired, scared, or hurt to see clearly.” Most couples don’t end over differences—they end because they stop leading with emotional maturity. When fear runs the show, even small issues start looking like deal breakers.
Q: What should I do when I feel done and ready to walk away?
A: Don’t make life-altering decisions from anger or hopelessness. Eat, breathe, rest, reflect. Then ask yourself: am I running from what I don’t want or moving toward what I do want? One comes from fear. The other comes from clarity. The difference between the two will determine your future peace.
Q: How can I tell if I’ve done “the work” before deciding on divorce?
A: You’ll know you’ve done the work when you can make your decision without fear, anger, or blame. You’ve explored your part in the disconnection, rebuilt your emotional strength, and created a clear vision for what you want next. That’s the mindset of a calm, confident man—not a reactive one.
Q: Why is masculine emotional strength so important before making relationship decisions?
A: Because without emotional strength, you’ll mistake temporary discomfort for permanent incompatibility. Masculine strength isn’t about forcing control—it’s about staying grounded when everything feels uncertain. That’s what allows you to lead, think clearly, and choose from purpose instead of panic.
Q: What’s the first step to rebuilding my confidence and clarity right now?
A: Start by reaching out. Whether it’s a free coaching call, our Roundtable group, or the Defuse the Divorce Bomb course—don’t try to figure this out alone. We help men like you get clear, confident, and calm in the face of chaos. The best version of you starts with one serious step forward.
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