Why Ignoring Your Masculinity Turns Off The Passion In Your Marriage
Many years ago you loved every single thing about her…even those nutty things she did that made you cringe.
She was adorable – just as she was.
Now? No so much.
The mistake you’re making now is wishing she could more like you. Kind of like a man – only with boobs.
Hey, I’m guilty too. It can feel like a tremendous amount of work and effort to relate to her like a girlfriend. You’re always second guessing, tip-toeing around in arguments and trying not to screw up.
Stop trying so hard.
Really. You don’t need to be her girlfriend. You just have to learn how to calmly BE with her without needing her to change.
And, more importantly, when you learn to be more relaxed, curious and confident in your own skin – your whole dynamic with her will change shockingly fast!
I see this every day. A client told me yesterday that he’s suddenly found her leg wrapped around him in bed. That hasn’t happened in two months! All because he learned to stand tall, not over-react and not try to be her girlfriend.
In this video I tell you about another problem that arises when you start to gain confidence and stop over-reacting. What do you do when she says, “You just don’t care how I feel!”
By continuing to impose your rules for how she should view the world, how she should think and how she should feel you will only create more distance and emotional danger.
Have you ever heard yourself saying things like:
“Why can’t she just see how irrational she is being?”
“Why won’t she just tell me exactly what she wants?”
“She has no clue how hurtful she is being – how could she do that to me?”
“Why can’t she love me the way I think she should love me!”
These statements are pretty good indicators that you’re making a common mistake many men make.
She is not your equal.
And by expecting her to be your equal you are setting yourself up for misery.
The Mistake of Expecting “Equalness”
Let’s clear up an obvious concern. I’m not talking about equality.
There is absolutely no debate about the equality of any two people on earth.
I’m referring to equalness as the notion of sameness. While we are clearly equal – we are NOT the same.
As Alison Armstrong tries to teach women that “men are not just hairy women”…I try to teach men that women are not just men with boobs.
And it’s not just gender differences at play.
I explain to my clients how every single life experience she has had as a young girl and woman has created a perspective nothing like ours.
Her personal experience at every stage of her growth is different. Her parental, social and societal programming is different.
While we are equal we are not the same in how we process facts, thoughts or emotions.
The only logical approach in a relationship with her is to choose to understand her.
But instead, we make the mistake of trying to either compete with her or fix her “faulty” programming.
When I’m working with a frustrated man who can’t connect with a woman, I usually find him trying to understand the problem from one narrow perspective – his. He tries to run everything she says or does through his filter of how people should work.
He thinks she “should” be different. She “should” see things his way. She “should” react a certain way.
And nobody likes to be “should” on.
The Downward Spiral Begins
Here’s the big problem that comes next.
When we try to hold someone else accountable for being something they are not they will move away from us.
The direct or implied pressure of judgment, expectation and disappointment is too much to bear. The only direction they can move is AWAY.
This feels to us like distancing, coldness, anger, resentment, detachment and disrespect.
The most devastating emotion we feel is rejection which actually registers as physical pain.
Nothing good happens from here.
Next comes our feelings of shame, desperation, anger and resentment.
We respond with criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling – Gottman’s Four Horseman of the Apocolypse.
I think you know how the rest of the story goes from here. Not well.
The Solution
The solution is to first realize what you’re doing and why.
The next step is to choose to change your perspective. She is not the same as you are and never will be.
By continuing to impose your rules for how she should view the world, how she should think and how she should feel you will only create more distance and emotional danger.
You need to achieve a state of emotional security, confidence and independence that allows you to detach from needing to be right. The competitive instinct to defend your feelings and “win” every disagreement comes from an adolescent mindset – from fear.
It is virtually impossible for man to achieve the necessary emotional maturity, intellectual clarity and spiritual gumption he needs from an adolescent mindset. Sean Stephenson, a 3 foot tall powerhouse of a man, taught me 3 words that form the foundation of healthy masculinity.
Those words are: CALM, DELIBERATE, and PLEASED.
When a man decides to do the work to become naturally calm, instinctively deliberate and pleased with who he is…nothing rattles him much.
He sees conflict as opportunity. Differences with women become curiosities. Emotional triggers become a sign for something new to learn.
He learns to accept others for who they are without the need to change them or win an argument. He is crystal clear in what he values and what he expects from himself and for himself.
It’s like a new operating system.
This isn’t a Zen thing.
It’s simply becoming the man you want to be.
I want you to feel strong, calm, confident and clear-headed man.
I want you to relax in situations that make normal men crazy.
I want you to grin with the knowledge you’re being who you want to be and you’re creating the life and love you want.
Why? Because I spent decades not feeling that way and I now know there’s a way to get to the other side.
If you’re ready to get to the other side then below are some options for you to change right away…
What do I mean by “SERIOUS”?
Q: Why does it feel like I can’t relate to my wife anymore, even though I used to love everything about her?
A: Because you’re trying to relate to her like a man. She’s not supposed to think, feel, or react like you. When you stop expecting sameness and start accepting her as she is—emotional, intuitive, unpredictable—you stop feeling frustrated and start feeling connected again.
Q: What does it mean that “she’s not my equal”? That sounds harsh.
A: It’s not about equality—it’s about sameness. You and she are equally valuable, but wired differently. Her emotions, instincts, and worldview are shaped by entirely different experiences. When you stop competing or correcting and start understanding, your relationship shifts from conflict to curiosity.
Q: Why do I get so triggered when she says or does things that make no sense to me?
A: Because you’re still trying to win the argument instead of win her trust. The need to be right comes from fear and insecurity. A calm, deliberate, and pleased man doesn’t need to “win”—he listens, stays steady, and lets clarity do the talking. That’s true leadership.
Q: How can I stay calm when she’s emotional or irrational?
A: You build emotional muscle. Breathe. Ground yourself. Remember, her storm isn’t about you—it’s about her process. When you remain relaxed, curious, and unshaken, she feels safe again. And when she feels safe, connection, respect, and attraction return almost automatically.
Q: Why does trying to fix or “should” her always backfire?
A: Because nobody likes being “shoulded” on. When you imply she’s broken or wrong, she pulls away. Judgment breeds distance; acceptance creates trust. The mature masculine move is to drop the agenda, stay calm, and simply be with her. That’s when intimacy grows.
Q: What’s the key to becoming the calm, confident man she can trust again?
A: Decide to become emotionally secure and independent—calm, deliberate, and pleased with who you are. That version of you doesn’t chase, react, or fix. He leads with grounded energy that makes her relax and lean in. That’s the man who turns chaos into connection.
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