How to Improve Your Marriage
We speak to me who want to know how to improve their marriage, but one of the most common things we hear them say when they first contact us is “My wife is unhappy but she doesn’t know what she wants. What can I do?”
If a woman knows what she wants then she’s probably heading toward it and she’ll let you know.
If she doesn’t know, then she’s probably heading away from what doesn’t feel good.
If you have distance in your marriage, the second one is probably true for you.
The good news is that often the women (and people in general) in the second category are very willing to follow someone who leads the way to better feelings.
Steve and I were talking about this earlier in the week and comparing notes on how women often react negatively to me using that term, ‘taking the lead’ or ‘leading her’ or ‘leading the relationship‘.
I’m not talking about telling her what to do – as an adult woman she makes her own choices in life.
I’m talking about leading the emotional energy of the relationship.
How are you leading that recently?
Do you know what it means?
Do you know how to do it?
In the video below, which is a clip from the beginning of our recent Men’s Roundtable Live Group Coaching call, Steve and I talk about this more:
Being the leader of the emotional energy in your relationship means being the leader of YOUR emotional energy first.
Are you in control of your emotional energy or does it fluctuate depending on what other people do or say?
An easy way to know if you’re leading is paying attention to the kinds of questions that you are asking yourself.
Other articles you may find helpful:
The Only “Couples Counseling” Video I’ll Ever MakeWife Wants A Divorce? How To Save Your Family
Are you asking questions in your head about her and the relationship that start with “If only she would…”
Leading the emotional energy is not doing something to “get her” to loosen up and come closer to you or give you affection or sex.
Leading the emotional energy is deliberately choosing how you will face today, how you will deal with her or any adversity you encounter.
Leading the emotional energy in your relationship means you don’t need someone else to change first before you can be the man you love being.
Leading the emotional energy is CHOOSING to come from your value and your power.
What is your power?
It’s a place of knowing that you are a man who CREATES what he wants to experience in his life.
It’s a place of believing that you’re a man who is worthy of love, connection and affection.
It’s a place of knowing the value of who you are and what you have to offer.
Do you know that?
REALLY know that? In your bones?
If I asked you right now, could you tell me exactly WHY you are a man worthy of all the love you want to experience?
You have incredible gifts that people (especially the women in your life) love to receive from you.
When you know – TRULY KNOW – your value as a man, suddenly you will experience the power you have to create connection and intimacy wherever you go with anyone, anytime.
And when it happens to the men we coach, they say things like:
“I reclaimed myself! I rebooted my mind to grow and know my worth on my own without seeking approval from others (specifically my wife). Once you know your worth, you’ll be fine no matter what… no one can take that away from you (it’s so freeing!)
I am now more focused, fun, loving, confident, daring and calm… a better version of myself (even my wife said that… despite the fact that I’m clearly doing this for me first). House chores, cooking, doing groceries, RAISING KIDS, being sexual, sensual, flirty – I’m no longer scared or tentative! I’m actually doing fantastic and I feel like I’m succeeding in everything I set my mind to. I know I will be okay no matter what happens.
This mountain lion could not thank you enough.”
We help men show up in their relationship with the energy of a unapologetically sexual man.
We help men stop caring how other people react to them and relax into just being the confident sensual man they’ve always been.
And the women in their lives LOVE it!
Yes, you could work on this by reading more books, watching more videos and listening to more podcasts…I’ll see you here in a few years time (I did that for 10 years…10 years!!)
It took me deciding to reach out and connect with other initiated men who had walked this path before me to really start to make progress.
No more fear of rejection. No more caring if she reacts badly to your sexuality. No more depending on other people’s mood or behavior for you to have what you want.
At some point you have to own what you want.
At some point you have to own your role in creating that.
That is what we love to help men do.
We know exactly how you get in your own way. We know because we’ve been there and lived what you’re going through.
We will hold you accountable to changing your life.
No more excuses.
So my question for you is…
Do you take up the challenge to know the power you have to lead the emotional energy of your relationship?
I guarantee it will completely transform the connection and intimacy in your relationship.
In our coaching we take men through an intense program to build your self worth to the point where it is unshakeable. You no longer doubt yourself or your ability to handle future rejections with the lack of concern they truly require.
The Men’s Live Coaching Roundtable is a powerful collection of men from around the world working together to transform themselves and their relationships. Dan Dore and I lead this community with 5 other professional coaches. We have live coaching video calls twice per month. The camaraderie in this group is something missing from the lives of too many men in the world.
Our online course How to Defuse the Divorce Bomb is a deep and intense dive into handling yourself when you hear, “I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore.” Tim Wade and Steve host monthly live Q&A calls with all the students in this course which includes many other bonuses as well. Find out more here.
We love teaching men these tools – how to be better, how to know who you are, what you stand for, what you want and how to CREATE it in your life through our Masculine Confidence coaching programs.
What if this next year everything changed for you?
That’s what we want for you brother.
My new book Straight Talk Tools for the Desperate Husband will help you to lead yourself and your relationship back to good health. Understand why your partner acts the way she does toward you and learn how to lead your life in the direction you want it to go. You CAN have the relationship you want, fulfilling all your desires while maintaining love and respect.
I wrote a free e-book to help men learn how to lose their fear and be more bold in their marriage to create the love and connection they want. Get The Hard to Swallow Truth About Saving Your Marriage HERE
Q: What do I do when my wife is unhappy but can’t tell me what she wants?
A: Stop trying to decode her and start leading the emotional energy of the relationship. When she doesn’t know what she wants, she usually knows what she wants to avoid. If you show up grounded, steady, and emotionally clear, she’ll naturally follow the better feeling you’re creating.
Q: How do I “lead the emotional energy” without becoming controlling?
A: Leading isn’t telling her what to do — it’s choosing who you will be. You lead by calming your own emotional storms, choosing your attitude, and responding instead of reacting. Control is about changing her. Leadership is about changing you. And women relax into leadership, not control.
Q: Why does my mood depend so much on how she treats me?
A: Because somewhere along the way you tied your worth to her reactions. When her approval determines your energy, you lose all masculine footing. Emotional leadership begins the moment you stop outsourcing your confidence and start validating yourself — from your values, your power, and your decisions.
Q: How do I show up with more confidence when I don’t feel confident?
A: Start with knowing your value. Truly knowing it — in your bones. When you can list why you’re a man worth loving, respecting, and desiring, your energy shifts. You stop chasing reassurance and start showing up with the playful, grounded presence she fell for.
Q: What if she reacts badly when I try to bring more connection or intimacy?
A: That’s exactly why you learn to lead your emotional energy first. When you stop caring how she reacts and stay relaxed, calibrated, and unapologetically yourself, she feels safer — not pressured. Women move toward men who stop flinching every time they get tested.
Q: How do I stop getting in my own way and actually create the marriage I want?
A: Make one decision today purely for you. That single act of choosing your value and your direction breaks the cycle of waiting, tiptoeing, and hoping. Emotional leadership is built one self-trusting decision at a time — and that’s the moment everything starts shifting in your relationship.
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Have questions about your relationship?
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