How to Handle Your Runaway Wife
I give a lot of advice that seems to make no damn sense.
Guys are usually raring to do something…anything… when their wife starts acting a little squirrelly and wanting some space and independence.
And when it comes to a certain question, I always get resistance until the client actually implements the advice.
What’s the question?
How in the world can I get her back if I don’t talk to her?!?!
The problem is always the same.
He wants MUCH more than just to “talk to her”.
He wants to know every single thought she has. He wants an explanation for every little reaction. He wants clear and specific instructions on exactly what he needs to do NOW in order to get things back in order.
Not tomorrow. Right now, dammit.
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Counter-Intuitive Coaching
My immediate advice is to breathe – very deeply – about 10 times.
The next 5 steps are:
1. Release the drag and let some line out. (immediately stop the fight)
2. Listen more than you talk…even if she isn’t talking.
3. Stop seeing her as a horrible, disloyal person who wants to hurt you. See deeper into her fear and anger – it’s not all about you.
4. Find a high quality friend/mentor you can confide in now and spend some time with.
5. Stay present, available, responsive and engaged. Don’t run off angry or make any rash decisions.
It’s SO tempting to want to FIX this now. You want information. You want feedback. You want to fix the KNOT in your stomach trying to tell you that you just might die.
Here’s the truth. You’re not going to die.
In fact, if you can just settle down long enough to get your head on straight, you’ll realize that you’re going to be just fine.
This is the perfect time to learn how a man handles these tests in life.
I talk about it more in this video.
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Clarity. It’s king.
Clarity of thought. Clarity about your feelings. Clarity about what is REALLY happening so you can settle down and sleep.
Without clarity everything feels out of control.
Without clarity you feel like you’re on the uphill side of a seesaw with her sitting on the other side…just sitting there. And you’ve got no clue when/if she’ll let you down.
If this sounds familiar, How do Defuse the Divorce Bomb Course is for you. You will immediately join about 40 other guys currently going through the same thing. That’s 40 high quality men at your disposal in our private Facebook group and at our live Q&A sessions.
Of course, if you want personalized coaching and a more intense experience of personal transformation, we’re happy to talk with you about one-on-one coaching.
Most importantly, don’t go through this alone. There are WAY too many options for you to get help and WAY too many other men in the same boat who would love to meet you.
The Men’s Live Coaching Roundtable is a powerful collection of men from around the world working together to transform themselves and their relationships. Dan Dore and I lead this community with 5 other professional coaches. We have live coaching video calls twice per month. The camaraderie in this group is something missing from the lives of too many men in the world.
Our online course How to Defuse the Divorce Bomb is a deep and intense dive into handling yourself when you hear, “I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore.” Tim Wade and I host monthly live Q&A calls with all the students in this course which includes many other bonuses as well. Find out more here.
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What if this next year everything changed for you?
That’s what we want for you brother.
My new book Straight Talk Tools for the Desperate Husband will help you to lead yourself and your relationship back to good health. Understand why your partner acts the way she does toward you and learn how to lead your life in the direction you want it to go. You CAN have the relationship you want, fulfilling all your desires while maintaining love and respect.
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Q: How can I get my wife back if I stop talking to her? It makes no sense.
A: You’re not actually craving “conversation” — you’re craving control, clarity, and reassurance. When you stop pushing for answers, you stop suffocating the situation. Space, calm, and emotional stability create the conditions for her to relax, breathe, and come toward you again.
Q: Why does giving her space work better than trying to fix things right now?
A: Because urgency triggers her defenses. Space triggers her nervous system to settle. When you stop fighting, stop interrogating, and stop chasing, she feels safer — not pressured. Emotional safety, not strategy, is what reopens connection in a woman who’s pulling away.
Q: What should I do when I feel panicked, desperate, or terrified of losing her?
A: Breathe deeply — ten slow, grounding breaths. Then follow the 5 steps: release the fight, listen more, see her fear instead of her flaws, lean on high-quality men, and stay present. Panic creates chaos. Calm creates clarity — and clarity is what saves you.
Q: Why do I keep making everything worse when I try to talk things through?
A: Because fear hijacks your thinking. You want answers, reassurance, and a plan — and you try to extract it from her. But she’s overwhelmed too. The more you push, the more she shuts down. The knot in your stomach goes away when you learn to settle yourself first.
Q: How do I stop overreacting, begging, negotiating, or arguing when she asks for space?
A: You start with the truth: you’re not going to die. Once you accept that, your nervous system calms and you stop acting from fear. From that grounded place, you make better decisions — decisions that actually reconnect instead of repel.
Q: Why is clarity so important when my relationship feels unstable?
A: Because without clarity your mind spins, your emotions spike, and you lose your footing. Clarity gives you emotional leverage — understanding what’s really happening, what she’s feeling, and how to respond as a steady man instead of a frightened one. Clarity is king.
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